I, as well as most people this time of the race, have been thinking about life after the race. Being content and not knowing what he has for me was what I learned last month.
But what happened this month was shocking to me.
God placed on my heart something I might be interested in after the race. (Before you ask, I’m not going to say what it is. Timing is everything)
I decided to pray about it this month and seek if that was really something I’d be interested and also good at.
Thoughts came running through my head this month:
“Have I really changed that much?”
“I say I could do this now but what about when the time comes?”
“Will I really make that much of a difference?”
“I don’t think I’m qualified for that.”
“They probably won’t like me or understand me.”
I decided instead of committing to something I know God wants me to do, I would pray about it this month and try and maybe talk myself out of it.
All month my team has been doing listening prayer everyday for each other. We draw a new name everyday and make time to sit alone and pray to God and ask him to use us to speak to the person we have. Sometimes it’s encouragement, sometimes we get visions for each other or bible verses. And sometimes it’s completely random to us but it’s exactly what the other person needed to hear.
All of my listening prayers for a week were about how God has equipped me for what’s to come in the future, that I am changed, that he is always with me, and that I am prepared more than I think. I was feeling more confident in what I believe God was calling me to in the future, but still not quite there yet to completely surrender to it all.
Then came the nightmare:
My squad was all together back in America in a big house. My team was sitting outside on the back porch and one of my alumni squad leaders approached us and said she had demons in her and would like for us to pray for her.
Then she looked right at me and yelled “BUT NOT YOU JACIE”
It felt like a punch in the stomach. So I got up and started walking inside. As I was walking she followed after me and yelled “I DONT NEED –” but then my ears muted and I knew immediately it was God who muted my ears.
I walked inside the house and she stood at the door, unable to come inside, and yelled “MALAWI DOESNT NEED YOU”
I covered my ears and ran out the front door into the front lawn. She ran around the side of the house and shouted so loudly “THE WORLD DOESNT NEED YOU”.
By then I knew I needed to pray for her since she had demons in her so I started praying, “God remove these evil spirits from her, take away anything that’s not of you in Jesus name” but nothing was changing. Immediately I knew I needed to start speaking in tongues, and so I did! (Side note: not something I’ve never done)
And then I woke up, mumbling into a pillow full of slobber.
My first thought was “That dream was from satan. God, don’t allow dreams like that ever again!”
(I had now successfully had dreams of all 3 alumni squad leaders either acting catty towards me, yelling at me and being hateful, and now shouting that I’m not needed by the world)
But I couldn’t fall back asleep.
I kept replaying it over and over.
Then I felt God telling me “You need to write it down.”
“No! I don’t want to remember that!”
“Do it.”
So I wrote it down and fell back asleep.
First thing in the morning I messaged the alumni squad leader who was in the dream and she helped me understand it a lot more.
1. She said Satan is using people who have been in authority over me the last 7 months to make me feel unworthy and unable. But we can see an attack like this as confirmation that I do have authority and I am needed. Satan has used this to try and get me to feel like I’m unchanged and unimportant, but it’s made me feel just the opposite.
2. The fact that my ears were muted and she couldn’t come in the house shows God’s constant protection. He’s with me even when I don’t feel him around me.
And the whole speaking in tongues thing, who knows! But something that seemed so weird and uncomfortable to me now seems more normal.
I see this dream as confirmation that I have changed, I do have authority, I am ready for the next step because God had equipped me and is always with me, and I will make a difference. Before this dream I still wasn’t confident in myself enough to be confident in my plans for after the race. Now I’m sure of what’s to come. I know it won’t be easy or fun. It’s going to be incredibly difficult and I’m probably going to struggle all the way through. But I know that God is going to do amazing things through me and I’m going to continue to grow through it all.
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