“You had boyfriends in college right?”
Me: “No I didn’t actually.”
“Seriously you didn’t!?? Is there something wrong with you??”
Me: “…I don’t know! I mean I think maybe I’m too picky? I mean I went on some dates with some guys though…”
This was an actual conversation that I had at a cousin’s wedding not too long ago. The question was asked by one of my distant older male cousins who has been married for many years. He’s a cousin that I only see at things like weddings. He was telling me how his son was dating someone in college and that’s why he asked me if I had any boyfriends when I was in college. I was really shocked, embarrassed, and hurt that he asked me if there was something wrong with me. I might add that he was completely sober and had a serious face when he asked. It’s hard enough being single at a wedding and that question is pretty much equivalent to telling a girl she looks ugly or fat.
It hurt coming from a man too- he didn’t give encouragement like “Don’t worry it’ll happen when the timing is right” or “Any guy would be lucky to have you” or “Oh that’s so great you went to college” or simply just ask “Did you date anyone?”, but instead he said “Is there something wrong with you?” It’s like, what am I supposed to say? “Yes, there’s something wrong with me.” Really??
Now, I know he probably didn’t mean to hurt me and maybe he didn’t mean to say it how he did even though I really don’t know how he could be so untactful, but many people know why that is an awful thing to say to a single person at least I know women know that.
My assumption is that he has different beliefs and views than I do, so when I think of that it makes sense as to why he was so dumbfounded that I didn’t have a boyfriend in college.
I can’t imagine his reaction if I would’ve told him that I’ve actually never had an official boyfriend.
The thing is, even though I wonder about being too picky at times, I really don’t believe I’m too picky, and I regret my response to him. It was just the first thing that came out of my mouth because I was so caught off guard that he asked me that and then I left that conversation quickly. I know I just have some good standards and boundaries, and I actually don’t think they’re too high or unattainable.
Like I said I’ve never had a boyfriend and this has been a source of insecurity for me at times because I think American culture says your worth is found in your relationship status, you can only be happy after you find the person who “completes” you, live together first, date around, sleep around, get divorced if things get hard, etc. And I’ve asked myself the question “Why have I always had the single status at age 27?” and many times I can think “Well, there’s probably something wrong with me” or “I’m just not good enough I guess.” It’s easy for me to believe and feel this even though I know those statements couldn’t be further from the truth.
Have you ever wished you could relive a moment and say something differently? I know if I relived that moment that I wouldn’t just say “Maybe I’m too picky”. I’d probably just say a couple sentences about how there’s nothing wrong with me and that it wasn’t very nice to ask, and that I’m a strong Christian and haven’t found someone who is a good match. But I also have a different version that I don’t think I’d say in that moment, but I wish I could say in a different moment or situation where we had more time or he genuinely wanted to know:
To the Guy Who Asked Me If There Was Something Wrong With Me For Not Having a Boyfriend
“No, there is nothing wrong with me. I am a beautiful daughter of the High King. I am fearfully and wonderfully made by God which it says in the Bible (Psalm 139:14). It says I am chosen and delighted in by him (1 Peter 2:9, Zephaniah 3:17). The God of the universe created me to be uniquely me and do works he prepared in advance for me to do (Ephesians 2:10). I am so loved and lovely, captivating, smart, strong, gentle, caring, sweet, and influential. God created me to be set-apart and not to live out my own story and seek my own glory, but to live out his story and seek his glory. I need to believe what God says about me and not what you think about me or what I think about myself.
Ever since I was a little girl I’ve believed that God created me and loves me- but I’ve sinned and fall short and things need to be made right. But God sent Jesus to take my place and pay the price of my sins by dying on the cross, and if I believe in Christ I am reconciled to God, am his daughter, my sins are forgiven, and I’ll live with him forever in Heaven. I’ve believed that if I follow him and his ways that my life would be the most rich, purposeful, and fulfilling. Hallelujah!
This relationship with God has shaped every aspect of my life including my dating life. For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to get married one day and have kids. I’ve always held certain beliefs since I was a young girl like knowing I wouldn’t live with a guy before I married him, and I would wait until marriage to be physically intimate and that I wouldn’t consider divorce an option unless there was physical unfaithfulness (Matthew 19:9). Many may see this as really restrictive, but I see it as really freeing and protective. I don’t have to worry about so many things because I follow God’s ways, and is it really that weird to want to wait for a real commitment before I give everything to someone, and is it really that weird to then actually keep that commitment even when things get hard?
Now that I’m older, I still hold those same convictions, and I’ve grown to the point where I try to think about how far I can go to glorify God and not just how far I can go before I cross the line. I really love Jesus, and I really believe in him and want to put the Bible into practice. I view marriage as a symbol of what is to eventually happen in the future- Jesus will come again for his bride- the church and there will be a wedding supper (Revelation 19:6-9). I also view marriage as two people loving God and working together to do what God wants them to do and to love each other the way Jesus has modeled love which is sacrificially.
Now trying to meet a real Christian man with integrity who wants to grow is hard enough, and it also sometimes seems that the church has a lot more single women than single men. However, I do know there are some good Christian men out there, but there’s also other factors to add in like doctrine, attraction, location, vision, timing, etc.
When I was younger and wasn’t as strong in my faith, I used to think it didn’t necessarily matter if guys I liked/dated were Christian, but I still didn’t have an official boyfriend partly because things were never communicated. Like sometimes I felt committed but never asked for a title/label for different reasons, and I’ve had situations where the guy didn’t like me enough and I misinterpreted things or I didn’t like him enough to commit, or we both liked each other, but things weren’t communicated well- similar things happened in college as well. It was about when I got to college when I realized that I would only date/marry a Christian man. I’ve also had things happen like where a guy really liked me and I liked him too but he wasn’t a Christian, so I only went out with him once. So yeah, these situations have not been easy, and I’m really wondering myself why all this has happened and nothing has worked out and can get pretty frustrated, but I really don’t think it’s because there’s something wrong with me. And failed relationships (official or unofficial) are kinda just a fact of life.
Also, I’ve just been busy living my life! What’s wrong with just living your life when you’re young? What’s wrong with having your own goals? Dating someone has not been my main priority in life. There have been times when I’ve been “boy crazy” when I was younger, but I mostly have thought it’ll just happen when/if it’s supposed to happen as I’ve gotten older. Yes I want to get married, and it’s really hard not knowing if it’ll ever happen and sometimes wondering if there’s something wrong with me and you asking me if something is wrong with me really does not help the situation :-). But I truly try to trust God for my identity and future and want to live the life he wants me to live. I’ve grown in my relationship with God, been super dedicated to my family through incredibly good times and incredibly hard times, established a community of friends, student-taught in Europe, swing danced, got a degree, went on a mission trip around the world, volunteered, read books, kept growing as a person, been super dedicated as a teacher, have been paying off my student loans, trying to learn how to cook more, trying to learn more Spanish, trying to be healthy, etc.
I’m so glad that I’ve been able to do all these things and had I had a boyfriend I don’t know if I would’ve done all those things or not. Being single can actually be a lot of fun and be super purposeful and fulfilling, and it’s nice to have a lot of time to do things and a lot of freedom. I’m still so young and still have a lot of time to get married. My worth does NOT come from my relationship status, it comes from Christ. I have worth and value all by myself.
So, to answer your question, no there is nothing wrong with me :-).”
