I’ve been home now for 6 months. It’s kinda crazy to think that it’s already been 6 months. The World Race seems like it was just yesterday and also like it was a hundred years ago at the same time. It seems like a very real memory in my head and also like a very distant dream. Did that really happen? Did I really experience that? Thinking back to where I was in November and December last year and where I am today; it’s crazy to think about how different my life is now compared to how it was then only 1 year ago. Two very different seasons; literally and figuratively.
It was mostly hot and sunny in Thailand and Cambodia in November and December. Right now, it’s November, and it’s cold and snowy in Minnesota.
One year ago I was at a cafe ministry in Thailand where we were working to share the Gospel through offering different opportunities to women in the sex trade and speaking to Buddhist monks. Last December, I was in Cambodia, and we worked in rice fields, taught English, and led Bible studies. I wouldn’t say the days were super easy, but they were fulfilling, exciting, and the required hours weren’t long- kinda like having a part-time job. We had a lot of time to spend with God, for “team time” and for socializing.
About a month after the Race, I did end up getting a teaching job as a 2nd grade teacher near my hometown, and I moved to an apartment with my twin sister which was the plan. I thank God for allowing that. It’s been such a blessing to be near my family and to live with my twin sister and to call my friends freely. We love our apartment! One of the things I like most about it is that it’s so quiet. After being on the Race, I really value silence because it was pretty much never silent on the Race. I haven’t met anyone near our new apartment because I’ve been working so much, but I’ve been meaning to go to this young adult Christian group at a nearby church. It’s also been great to have the new friends that I now have from the Race, and I’ve been able to keep up with some of them a little, but not a lot which I think is normal. Each month, I’ve been praying for the country and people of wherever I was last year. For example, this month I’ve been praying for Thailand because I was in Thailand last year in November. I’ve still been continuing to read through the Bible, and I just started reading Romans today.
I kinda wish I had more to write about, but pretty much since the beginning of August my life has consisted of working 12 hour days and weekends as a first year 2nd grade teacher, and I can say that it’s been one of the hardest times of my life. They say that your first year as a teacher is super hard, but it gets easier with experience. There’s so much to do, know, and remember, and managing my students’ behavior has been a struggle, and it’s also been hard because I’ve been getting a ton of constructive feedback from my mentor teacher and supervisor (I co-teach with my mentor teacher, so I kinda feel like I’m in a constant evaluation). I do like teaching though and feel this is where I’m supposed to be right now, and it has been getting a little easier. My sister and mom have helped me correct papers and other things which has been great. This Thanksgiving break has been really nice to finally have a little break. I’ve also been having some intense lower back pain again, but it’s been feeling a lot better. I also added stress to myself when I was thinking about how many student loans I have to pay off and how that will happen. It seems kinda nuts to me, but I know it’ll all get paid off somehow and be ok. My younger sister has also been going through a lot this season also mostly due to jobs and student loans which is hard. However, I’m grateful to be here to help her through this time.
Not to bash America because I love this country and the people, the opportunities, the things we stand for, the freedoms, etc, but I feel we as Americans add so much unnecessary stress to our lives by the pressure to work hard and long and to be independent and self-sufficient and by the conveniences we feel entitled to. A lot of time conveniences add more stress to your life.
Although I don’t feel this season has been a super revelational, spiritual, and self-sacrificing which the World Race seemed to be (which is easy to feel down about, but I feel ok when I remember that there’s a season for everything and it’s not about what I do, but what God has already done), there are 2 things that have been on my mind and heart lately.
Grace and Gratitude.
Grace because I’ve needed to give myself a lot of grace in my job these past months. I’ve needed to remember to not be so hard on myself and to remember that not everything is my responsibility. Which is hard to remember when you have 27 students that you feel responsible for each of their academic, social, spiritual, and overall wellbeing. I’ve needed to remember that my worth is not based on my performance. I’ve needed to remember to not take feedback and criticism so personally. I’ve had to continue to remind myself that no one is perfect and that this is just my first year teaching. I’ve needed to remind myself of my identity in Christ.
Grace is so important. Grace is the gospel. God has given us grace through Christ. We need to accept it. I need to accept it. Every day. In every situation. You can say “Yeah I know, I’ve accepted His grace.” But do you live in a way that shows that you have? Do you embrace it and dwell on it every day? I know I don’t. I think it’s easy to accept grace for clear sins, but I believe grace is extended to just not being a perfect person. Not getting all of the students to listen to me, feeling tired and overwhelmed, not explaining something in the clearest way, not following through with what I told the students I would do because I forgot, etc…
- 2 Corinthians 12:9 “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
So countercultural to the American culture, and I’d say humans in general kinda. Boast about weaknesses in America?? Me boast about my weaknesses? I thought I had to be strong, independent, and competent?
What I love about God is that it’s not about what I do, but it’s about what He does and what he’s already done and what he will do! Oofda that takes a lot of the responsibility and load off of me. It’s not my burden to carry.
- Jesus says in Matthew 11:28-30- Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Here are some more verses about grace that have been helping me:
- Hebrews 4:16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
- And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
Next thing: Gratitude. I’ve needed to remember to be grateful. Again, you may say “I am grateful.” But do your thoughts, actions, and words show that you’re grateful? Do you embrace gratefulness and dwell in it? Every day? In the little things? The true grace we’ve been given should bring us to our knees in gratitude. Does it always do that for me? No. One of the biggest things I know that going on the Race can do for me is remind me to be grateful after seeing the some of the suffering and compassion in the world and just after living the World Race lifestyle. I remember how grateful I was the first night in Nicaragua when we found out we all had our own beds after sleeping in tents for 2 months. A bed! The joy! Or how I was grateful to have a toilet that didn’t always flush after using a hole in the ground as a toilet during our month in Malawi. Or the gratitude I felt when I was reunited with my family at the airport after the Race- everyone healthy, happy, and safe including myself.
How easy it has been for me to lose my gratefulness and to feel entitled to things. I’m so used to sleeping in my own bed now, my own toilet (yes I have my own and my sister has her own haha), hot water, my own room, lots of food that I like, being with my family a lot, good internet., etc. I try to remember that night when I was so grateful just to have my own bed in Nicaragua and to remember all the people who never get beds ever. I need to remember that when I get stressed from my job to remember to be grateful that I even have a job let alone in something that I’ve always wanted to do. Just to have a moment of silence. Just to be able to drive my own car by myself where I want to go. Some of these things may sound simple and superficial, but they’re still things to be grateful for. I think it’s better to be grateful for a superficial thing than to not be grateful at all. But that’s very different from feeling entitled to them or holding them too close our hearts. Everything is a gift and a blessing. Not our own possession.
Philippians 4:11-13- I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
I don’t have all the answers about what the Race did in and through me and sometimes I wish I did. It’s also easy to think that the World Race just happened and now it’s over and done with. It’s important to keep moving on and living life, but I want to remember that seeds were planted in my heart and in the hearts of others through the trip that are growing that I may never know about or may find out about later.
I look back on the Race very fondly, and I always will. I’m excited for what is to come knowing that I can put all my faith and trust in God. I’m grateful for His grace. Great is Thy faithfulness.
