13 years ago exactly I was riding a train from Germany back to Switzerland. It was the summer of '99. I was 18 years old and the night before, I had given myself away for the first time.
When I lost my virginity in its entirety that night (first kiss included) I gained the heaviest shackle my flesh would ever come to know. It was a barbed hook that pierced both my heart and soul which kept me latched and bound to countless shame and lust with chains that would not break.
I would never forget the words carried with hot breath into my ear in that final moment:
"This doesn't mean I love you — because I don't."
Those words haunted me, as I lashed out at many more men with barbed hooks of my own.
My own barbs, hooks & shackles came with tinkering bells of shame attached — so that anywhere I went, wherever I walked, the clamor of my sin made it known what kind of woman I was.
I didn't have to wear a scarlet letter "A" on my chest; my words, the look in my eyes, my fashion and most importantly all the deeds which followed my lustful intents defined me.
And I liked it: I was hooked…
…until I began to hate myself.
In 2009, I found out that someone had carried the cross for my shame and Jesus Christ spoke to me:
"This means that I love you — because I do."
And behold, a woman in the city who was a sinner, when she knew that Jesus sat at the table in the Pharisee’s house, brought an alabaster flask of fragrant oil, and stood at His feet behind Him weeping; and she began to wash His feet with her tears, and wiped them with the hair of her head; and she kissed His feet and anointed them with the fragrant oil. Luke 7:37-38
I threw myself at the feet of Jesus and abandoned my life to Him.
"Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little." – Jesus/Luke 7:47
He forgave me and loved me — and I love Him so much.
Then He said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you. Go in peace." – Jesus/Luke 7:50
And these became words to live by.
