I have an ugly heart…
I’ve come to this realization… it’s ugly but it needs to be brought to the light. All my life I’ve tried to be a “good” person. I’ve never been judgemental of others; but I judge myself pretty hard. I’ve tried for too long to be perfect and it’s impossible. There is no freedom in perfection.
One of the ugly things in my heart is PRIDE. Sometimes I tell myself I don’t struggle with things. I lie to myself because I don’t want see the ugliness in heart. This might not sound like a big deal, but it is. If I can’t even be honest with myself who can I be honest with? If I am in constant denial how can I grow? It’s actually a little scary to think I don’t even know the real me at times. But when I’m with God, I can’t lie to Him. He knows the deepest darkest secrets that I keep from myself…
All my life I’ve tried to be selfless, but SELFISHNESS is a constant struggle. I think about myself too much. I think about my future, what I look like, what fun things I can do…me, me, me. I’m selfish with my time and have always struggled with putting God first. I put myself first.
My flesh and my spirit play tug-of-war with my heart sometimes and instead of finding my
Everytime I am uncertain of my future I run to guys rather than God. I feel like I need something in my life I can control, something stable, something I can rely on. I want someone to be physically there for me. God can feel tangible at times, but He does not physically embrace me. It’s a reoccuring struggle and it all boils down to trust in God and being patient. I’m an ADULTERER because God is my husband and I put things before him.
The issue of lust hasn’t been a strong struggle for me except my senior year in college. I was a “good girl” all my life. But when I went to college, I let myself ENVY the “world.” I thought they were so free, free to do what they pleased so before I started to be a “real adult” and get a real job I gave into my envy.
Proverbs 23:17
Do not let your heart envy sinners, but always be zealous for the fear of the LORD.
I gave into my lustful desires and started partying more. I secretly started making out with my guy friend. Unfortunately, I became emotionally attached to him and started really liking him, but in my heart I knew I didn’t like him I liked the attention. He didn’t want to date me (praise God). It took me 2 years, which was this May, to fully give my whole heart back to God. I found out that those things left me in bondage and empty. I have found freedom in having selfcontrol. God disciplines us to save us from ourselves. I have freedom in Christ.
So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.
I’m to that place again where my future is uncertain. My head says I trust God with my life, but my heart only says I trust you to an extent. Time and time again God shows me the next step and opens doors, but somehow I get short term amnesia. I forget what He has done in my life and how He has always guided me.
God has told me that He’s not telling me the next step yet and instead of accepting it I was disobedient and started thinking about my future. I know God won’t tell me what He has for me until I give Him my whole heart. After lots of prayer it’s making it’s way from my head to my heart. I’ve stopped thinking about my future almost completely and am focusing on who God is not what He can do for me.
1 Chron 28:9
And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts. If you seek him, he will be found by you, but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever.
I pray that God reveals the ugly in me. I pray that your eyes are opened to the ugliness in your heart. I pray that you take the hard road of digging deep to find out the root issues of your sin and that you ask God to help you fight.
