Why does growing up have to hurt so much sometimes? I remember when I could not wait to be an adult and make my own decisions; now that time has come and I’m resisting. I can feel God pushing me into this role of leadership and I’m dragging my feet. It’s not really being in leadership that scares me, I’ve been a leader before, I’m scared of the change it will bring. I know that I’m changing, I already have, but it’s getting harder. God is calling me to take an even greater leap of faith than the last time, and I’m hesitating. I don’t know why. I know that what’s in store for me is going to be great; I know that God is just refining and reshaping me. But it hurts sometimes. It’s also exhausting because I’m fighting the change; I’m resisting.
Why? It would be so much easier to just settle; to plant myself in a nice, comfortable position and stay there the rest of my life. But that’s not what God needs from me, nor would I ever really be content. What I’ve realized is that my life is not my own anymore. I don’t call the shots, I don’t decide when enough is enough. And I don’t want to. What I’ve discovered much to my resistance, is that I am not satisfied unless I am obeying God. Even when it hurts, even when it’s scary, I desire to follow God’s plan. I want what He wants for me. I’ve experienced what it’s like to live for yourself; to take God out of the equation. And it’s miserable. I don’t want to go back to that, and as heavy as my feet feel right now, I know that today I will take one step forward; and tomorrow I will take another. It may be slow, and it won’t be easy, but there is no going back.
“If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.”
Matthew 16:24-25
