I’ve spent roughly a week going in and out of the “victims circle” that has been my life. Consumed with the feeling that life and everything else is fighting against me. Against me to the point where I can’t even figure out why I wanted to go on the world race in the first place.
If the insurance company won’t cover the cost of my medications, if I’ll miss out on people’s big events this next year, if the cost of this trip has pretty much tripled unexpectedly, if everyone is already worried about me, then what is the point? Why should I even go?
I just feel like everything is fighting against me.
So I decided to have a pretty intense talk with God:
“Where the heck have you been, God?
Why hasn’t anything gone my way?
I know you can make it stop, God, so why does it feel like you hate me?
How come you called me to the world race? It doesn’t make any sense now. You could’ve chosen anybody else.
What is going on?
This is just too hard.”
Yep, I pretty much just called the King of Kings out on some of this crap going on. But I’ve learned that God doesn’t care how we come to him, as long as we do.
The next day God led me to a sermon on Psalm 46. It reminded me that God is our protector. Our refuge. Our shelter during danger. But he’s not just a refuge, he’s also a fortress. A fortified place full of soldiers and fearless warriors.
So this means that God is not fighting me but fighting FOR me and that changes everything.
But if we are still being honest, I still don’t know why this transition has been so gosh darn difficult. I don’t have answers, but I have my God’s protection and power, which means I also have peace and I can finally exhale.
So I’m going to go on the world race because God told me to a long time ago and I’m not going to go back on it now. But here is to praying for bravery and confidence and that He shows me why He wanted me to go, very, very soon.
“God is within her, she will not fall: God will help her at break of day.”
“Okay, YAY God. Sorry I yelled. Let’s do this!”
