I think the most frustrating thing is not being able to explain what is going on inside of me. When I try to share with other team mates I feel like I didn’t even come close.
I have been through “testing”, “suffering”, and “preparing” seasons before, but nothing to this degree.
Honestly the best way I can explain it with words is I feel like I am walking on water, carrying a two ton rock, while having someone constantly trying to pull me under, and having no direction where I am headed.
I was floored the other night with so much heaviness that I cried out to God saying that I felt like I was dying.
I’ve lost all confidence.
I have no motivation or passion.
I’m so weak that I feel as if my Spirit will break at any moment.
There are days where I don’t have the strength to get out of bed. There are night where I can’t go to sleep. And there are moments where all I can do is fall to my knees.
I’ve repented.
I’ve forgiven.
I’ve rebuked.
But the heaviness, crushing, and breaking remains.
I’ve realized that this is just where God has me. I have lost all control in the matter. Im no longer the captain of my ship or chef in my kitchen. The strength I do have is not my own and the steps I take are not governed by myself.
My prayer has changed from, “I can’t do this without You,” to “I can do nothing without You.”
The love on the cross is what compels me.
The promise from His word is what drives me.
The anchor of my soul is what keeps my hope floating.
I have no idea what is going on, but I trust You.
“Sometimes God calms the storm and other times He allows the storm to rage and calms His child.”
