I thought I was becoming immune to the emotional effects of goodbyes. As my squadmates began discussing what leaving the Philippines would be like this past week, many eyes swelling with tears, I felt my heart hardened.
Unwilling to become emotional.
Afraid to let my heart break at another loss.
On some level I decided I would not let myself become upset at leaving. It’s just a part of the race-of life- I told myself. Goodbyes are inevitable and crying isn’t going to help anything.
Until…
“Ate (Big Sister) Heidi: You don’t leave. Stay here with me.”
“I have a secret. You’re my favorite Ate.”
“In my bed I will cry tonight. I will cry because I miss you.”
“Please don’t go. You stay. Please.”
Tears filled Hannalyn’s eyes, desperation in her voice as she whispered these words to me, each time my heart breaking a little more. I’ve had many goodbyes these past few years, but I know this is one I will not soon forget. I won’t forget the long embraces we had, the hundreds of kisses on the cheek, singing “How He Loves Us” to each other and to God, and I won’t forget the tears we shared as our hearts broke for leaving one another. I won’t forget how much it hurts to look at a nine year old orphan who I love for the last time, tears rolling down her face as the van pulls off taking her to school, knowing that the loss I feel is little compared to the loss she feels.
I won’t forget how much love had to be present to feel that much pain, or how present God was in our relationship with one another.
As we enter a new community each month and develop deep, meaningful relationships that far surpass what seems possible over a one month period of time, I pray our hearts don’t become hardened. I pray we don’t shut ourselves off from giving and receiving love even with the knowledge that we will be leaving after a month. I pray we love abundantly and allow our hearts to break for that which is worthy of a broken heart.
