[from journal entry 12.04.07]
something i’ve been reflecting on a lot lately is this underlying feeling of loneliness that has stuck with me since the beginning of the race. it comes and goes, but it is with me more that not, whether i am literally alone or surrounded by people. i’ve experienced the feeling before; i think it’s a pretty normal place to “be” from time to time.
on the race, however, the loneliness has been more intense. it has come on when i am trying to adjust to my role as a leader and a participant on the september team. it has come on when i am trying to share things with someone and they kinda just look at me and don’t say anything. it has come on when i am told one thing and something completely different happens. it has come on when i feel my trust in someone is violated.
it has been sad. it has been heartbreaking. it has been scary. it has been, at times, a feeling of total isolation. and at times it has been the most comforting feeling as the Lord draws me near to Him. these past few weeks, this is where i have been with Him. we’ve had wonderful talks about the things i’ve tried to or wanted to share. He’s spoken truth into my fears and my feelings of inadequacy and my mistakes. He’s held me close when i’ve needed to be embraced and protected.
as i was thinking about this today, i started to think about how beautiful it is when God draws us near to Him. it’s the most spiritually intimate experience we are able to have, and all God wants is to draw each of us near to Him like this over and over. to be with Him and no one else. we are created for relationship, but to be in relationship with Him first. when that is “taken away” from us, our human response is to feel alone, and it’s painful. we describe our intimacy with the Lord as loneliness.
in our society, we’ve moved from dependency on the spiritual to the rational. instead of going to the Lord with our questions – not to mention our lives – we depend on each other and our surroundings and our status. we’ve been raised to know no other option; it’s no wonder that we’d feel different (i.e. alone) as we are pulled away from our earthly resources and drawn near to our God.
because it’s true – that doesn’t make rational sense. but then again, the rational is much less motivating these days.
