beginnings are scary,
endings are usually sad,
but it’s the middle that counts the most.
you need to remember that when you find yourself at the beginning.
just give hope a chance to float up…and it will, too.
on june 4, 2005, after packing my apartment into a moving truck and my little jetta, i began a road trip that i didn’t think i’d ever make. i remember it perfectly.
i even remember the day i realized that, contrary to my thoughts for the previous seven years, i would probably be moving home…soon.
it was september 19, and i was on my way home from the airport after being in minnesota for my sister’s wedding. my thoughts had been scattered throughout the entire flight, and when i got to my car, i instinctively called one of my best friends – just to chat and get my thoughts off home. except within about 3 minutes i blurted out, “lib, i need you to remind me why i’m here.” not a good sign. if i couldn’t come up with reasons on my own, i knew full well i wasn’t in the right place. i was trying to deny the fact that i had been feeling more and more strongly over the previous few months that i needed to be home. the wedding was just sort of a culmination of the thoughts and feelings.
i talked the moving home idea over with my friends, and they were – not surprisingly – incredibly supportive. within a few weeks, i had begun making arrangements to leave my job. i couldn’t leave immediately because of my lease, but that was perfect because i had a whole bunch of “so what do i do now?” details to work out. i remember being relatively relaxed about the whole process. for a stereotypical type-a person, i just knew things would work. somewhere inside, i knew this was my opportunity to step back and evaluate my life to make some changes.
although i enjoyed what i did for work, i worked way too many hours, and my heart wasn’t “in it” for the long haul. i had also started to feel like i was missing out on important things with my family – from little daily things like meeting up for lunch to big things like not being there to help my sister plan her wedding. overall, i had been feeling an emptiness…which i pretty much knew was a God thing…but only being at the very beginning of my relationship with Jesus, i didn’t fully understand that, either.
luckily God had – and has – everything figured out. so i started the road trip that i truly never anticipated taking.
when i read the quote at the top of this entry for the first time, i remember thinking, “yeah, beginnings can be scary, but they don’t last long.” i tend to be one who doesn’t dwell too much on beginnings, and i don’t like endings much either…i like to skip ahead and get to the middle stuff. that’s where things really “happen” anyway, right? or so i thought.
recently, i’ve realized that my life is filled with beginnings, and probably the most important beginning that i had gone thru at that point was that road trip from what had become my new home back to my old home. it may have seemed confusing to me at the time, and it was definitely uncertain, but it was peaceful, it was God-filled, and it was a very intentional move He placed on my heart. it was a beginning that has opened up a road full of life-changing beginnings.
i began re-connecting with my family. a few high school friends and i began monthly dinners. i began critically thinking about what i am passionate about. i found an incredible church community and began a walk with Jesus that set me on a new path. i met people who challenged me to begin to grow in new ways. i met someone who sparked a beginning i couldn’t have imagined.
and on august 31, 2007, after packing my house into my mom’s garage (again) and my little pack, i began another “road” trip. although this trip looks a bit different in logistics and geography, it’s no different in being a critical beginning…this one replacing the original road trip as the most important beginning that i have gone thru at this point in my life. certainly home will never never look the same again. certainly it is confusing to me at times. certainly it has been and will be uncertain.
but, similarly, it is blanketed in a peace that is exactly where God wants me to be (even on my most challenging of days when i feel totally out of place and wonder if i’m getting in the way of His plan for me by being on this trip, which is incredibly comforting when you’re at a “low”), it is God-filled, and it is a very intentional move He placed on my heart. it is a beginning that has opened up a road full of life-changing beginnings. i don’t see this trip as a beginning, middle and end. i see it as an 11 month long beginning that will, if i’m faithful and focused totally on Him, give me just a glimpse of what the next beginning He has planned for me looks like.
