We have been in the Philippines now for two weeks and I know I have been rather silent about what has been going on here. God is always working and He is doing amazing things here through us as a whole in this area. I, on the other hand, have been walking around in some what of a daze. My thoughts have been either been muddled or flying in a hundred different directions. Which ever the case, I havn’t been able to focus clearly enough to write about it. A couple of days ago, I went to the Lord with a frustrated sigh and a dramatic groan; you know the kind that are meant to draw attention so the person they are directed at will ask what’s wrong, and then you can proceed to dramatically spill your guts to your listener. Well, being the ever-patient and all-knowing Father that he is, God heard me and patiently waited for me to lay my burdens on Him. I opened my mouth to speak to Him, but nothing came out. I stared upwards waiting for words, and there were none. Finally, with one big fat tear rolling down my cheek and the ache of things left unsaid in my throat, I cried to Him, ” I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME!” I would like to say that I found the answer that very moment, but the Lord wasn’t going to work that way. Over the next few days, He kept raising questions in my head. Things like:
What exactly is bothering you?
What are you thinking about all the time?
Where do I fit in in your thoughts and plans right now?
(Who knew that my English teacher using the Socratic method in high school would prepare me for dialogue with the Lord!) Basically God said, ” To answer your questions, I’m going to ask you some of my own. All of these questions eventually led to this one: Where is your faith Heather? Hello, blindside. Here is what followed that question:
What do you mean where is my faith Lord? I believe in you so much. I love you. I have seen you work time and time again. I have faith.
Why then are you so worried about things right now?
But I’m not…oh, wait. Maybe I am. So you are saying I am not relying on faith right now Lord?
Well I told you time and time again in my word that if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed you could do the impossible. I healed people because of their faith. I upheld people through their faith. People were made righteous through their faith. Do you need any more evidence of what the problem is?
(I want to interject here that I know I can be stubborn sometimes) But Lord everything is so crazy now. Has anything I’ve done on this trip been effective? What’s next? Why am I not consistently on fire? Why is it so hard to just walk and know that you are leading and guiding me? What about all the things I want to see happen? Are they from you or just things I want? How do I keep going not knowing where I’m going or what I’m doing?
What is faith Heather?
Umm. The substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. (This is where I slap my forehead and get a sheepish, “I feel stupid” look on my face.)
See I know that you already know this. You will keep going because you trust me. You hope for things to happen and even though you don’t know they will, you trust that I will take care of them. That’s faith. Trust that I know where you are going and what you will do and how you will live and who you will marry and what your family will be like and what impact you will make for my kingdom. And I know you will make an impact because you are my child and you have my heart. You love me and I love you, and by virtue of this, you have no choice but to make an impact for my kingdom. Trust me that I Am who I say I Am.
(I’m being honest with my reaction here.) Wow. Well Lord what do I do with that? It’s a lot to take in.
Heather (in patient fatherly undertones) I never said this life was easy. Can you trust me?
Yes. Lord I can.
Will you trust me?
Lord…am I strong enough? I fail you so often.
You are not, but I am, and I will sustain you.
So that is where I am right now. After this conversation, I went to listen to one of my favorite songs by Jars of Clay called Faith Enough. The chorus says, “It’s just enough to be strong in the broken places. Should the world rely on faith tonight?” I would answer with a resounding yes. We must rely on faith. We have to have faith in our God who gives us strength in our broken places.
