We arrived in Chaingmai, Thailand on September 3. We spent three days in briefings and preparation for the ministry we were to do this month. I had never felt more equipped by a host in my life as I felt when Emmi sat us down and explained in great detail what bar ministry, slum ministry, intercession, prayer walking and working in the café was going to look like. She took three whole days to let us adjust and get our game faces on. I was so excited to be here at Lighthouse in Action and Zion Café working with the women inside the café and outside in the bars. This was, after all, my dream ministry opportunity!
And then the massive headaches began. Every afternoon, without fail, I would fall prey to a throbbing headache for no apparent reason. I sent a message to one of my old teammates and asked her to be praying for me as I was trying to figure out the problem and told my team what was happening, too. It wasn’t dehydration because I was drinking at least a gallon of water a day and we are eating pretty well here at the café. I was getting (usually) at least 6 hours of sleep a night – pretty normal these days. So, what could be the culprit? I sort of shrugged it off and started learning to live with it. Naps in the middle of the day became a normal thing for me at this point because sleeping was the only way to escape the nagging pain in my forehead.
Not only was I getting abnormal headaches each day, I was also feeling incredibly apathetic and lacking in energy. Alayna, the other team’s leader we are staying with, and I had some similar feelings and wondered what it could be. Again, this was a dream ministry, so why in the world was I not feeling fired up and ready to go? The apathy set in deep and there were nights I didn’t even know if I wanted dinner or not. Everyday decisions were almost impossible because I just… didn’t care enough. I tried to push through the apathy and give ministry all I had, but it was always so exhausting and life sucking. What was happening in me?!
Emmi pulled me aside one morning in the café and shared with me some information of spiritual strongholds in Thailand and remarked that she thinks it could help the whole group of we were to go over it and pray about whether any of us were under attack. As I read the list, my heart sunk, and I put two and two together.
Pride
Apathy
Low self-esteem
Loneliness
Hopelessness
Adultery
Idolatry
Miscommunication
Disunity
Here’s the deal, I’m not someone to let the Enemy hold me down very long. When my eyes are open to the strongholds he has in my life I immediately do something about it to remove him from the picture completely. That night, Alayna and I called a meeting for both teams to come together and discuss the list of strongholds that Emmi gave me. As the discussion began, something stirred deep within me, and I knew that it was time to kick this thing in the butt and get it out of here. I was tired of being exhausted and apathetic towards everything all the time. I was sick of these daily pounding headaches. Enough was enough. After the meeting, I found myself sitting outside of the café watching the night life go by and talking with my Heavenly Father.
“That’s it. Enough is enough,” I told him. “I am ready to climb out of these strongholds the Enemy has wrapped me in so sneakily.”
At that moment, the Lord brought me to Romans 8. I read about life in the Spirit versus life in the flesh and that one gives life and the other brings death. Reading Romans reminded me of one of my favorite scriptures from Deuteronomy 30, verse 19, where God says to the Israelites, “I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life.” Something clicked in my heart at that moment and I realized that God has given me a choice (free will) to either live by the flesh and choose death, or live by the Spirit and choose abundant life. Now, this is a concept that I’ve taught in Sunday school, youth group, and Bible studies since I can remember, but I had never experienced the weight of this choice until that moment.
I crawled into bed and hardly slept that night due to the onset of a cold. That particular night, my headache was so bad that sleep wouldn’t even be my escape. With each toss and turn, tears welled in my eyes from the pain between my temples. The Enemy saw my eyes opening to the Truth that night, and I knew he was attacking with his final efforts to keep me down in the pits. But I refused. I had had enough.
Waking up the following morning, I stood firm on the revelation I had the night before and decided that I wasn’t going to have headaches anymore, I wasn’t going to be exhausted and apathetic, and I wasn’t going to skimp on my time with the Lord anymore. I’m not one to take ibuprofen, but in the early hours of the morning I took three of those red gems, fell asleep for thirty minutes and woke up feeling completely different. I mean, completely different. You know those commercials for cold medicine where the person goes to sleep looking totally miserable and helpless with red, raw noses as gloomy music plays in the background, and then they wake up with the sun shining on them, harps playing and a smile and freshness like never before? That’s sort of how I felt. Totally new.
I spent time with the Lord that morning filling up on the Spirit and praising Him for reviving my soul and bringing me back to life. The day went by, I was joyful and present and full of energy and life and I had no headache. The next day was the same. And I know that today will be even better because I choose life.
“Forthose who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.” – Romans 8:5-6
Something I have been talking to Papa about throughout the Race is how to truly live from a place of overflow. I was struggling with the concept of having my quiet time in the morning and then pouring out all day long. I tried it, but I would end up running on mere fumes by the end of the day. Yesterday I was listening to a podcast from Trinity Grace Church in New York City about growing in the fruit of the Spirit and the speaker said the following remark,
“The fruit of the Spirit is slowly grown in a life of robust prayer. It’s not just about your morning quiet time. It’s about a continual renewal of mind and spirit. Pause to be with God throughout your day.”
As my friend Eleina would say, this was a palm to the forehead moment. Of course we are supposed to do that! But do we actually take it seriously and realize the weight of renewing ourselves constantly in the life of the Spirit? I can’t say that I did.
We are living in a constant war. It doesn’t stop when we sleep. It doesn’t stop when we spend time with the Lord. It doesn’t lessen over time as we become stronger in the Spirit. It grows with time and the Enemy we fight pulls out all the stops to keep us from doing the work of our Father. As our defense gets stronger, so does the Enemy’s ammunition because we are a greater threat to Hell. This is why we must choose every single day to live by the Spirit, which is life, and not by the flesh, which is death. This is why we must spend more than just an hour with Jesus in the morning. We need a constant renewal and revival in our hearts so that we are positioned for war and equipped for the battle at hand.
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“He trains my hands for war,
so that my arms can bend a now of bronze.
You have given me the shield of your salvation,
And your gentleness has made me great.
You gave me a wide place for my steps under me,
And my feet did not slip;
I pursued my enemies and destroyed them,
And did not turn back until they were consumed.
For you equipped me with strength for the battle;
You made those who rise against me sink under me.”
– 2 Samuel 22:35-38, 40
“It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all.” – John 6:63
