Three days have passed since training camp, and I am in emotional distress. I was warned about the difficulty of the time between camp and launch but I thought I’d be totally fine and chipper since I have so much to put my focuses on here in Virginia. I was dead wrong. I am in a constant state of emotional confusion.
I can’t help but crave waking up outside at 5:30am every day to cold, rainy weather and seeing the beautiful faces of my squad. I miss living in community and sharing things with one another. I miss singing with my brothers and sisters into the late hours of the night and crying out for the Holy Spirit to intersect our lives. I miss the immediate response to any kind of pain, laying on of hands and prayer, that we became so accustom to. I miss dancing dance parties. I miss screen-fasts. I miss the socially acceptableness of not showering for 8 days. I miss constantly being reminded of how loved and cherished I am. I miss encouraging my brothers and sisters in their strengths and giving them feedback when I see they have something greater within them. I miss talking about the beauty of the Gospel and how community is such a blessing.
I miss my family.
I am wrecked. I sit here and wonder, “How do I experience 11 months of that and then go back to my life?” I’m wrecked for the Gospel and for community. I think I’ve realized that “going back to my life” will never happen. It cannot. I’m sold out for the preaching of the Gospel and spreading the light of Life. I’m sold out for living amongst disciples of Christ and sharing everything I have.
I don’t want an ordinary life, and I don’t need more adventure. What I need is to choose the extraordinary and supernatural in a world that is naturally ordinary. I have to choose to invite the Holy Spirit to come and take over every aspect of my ordinary life and make it extraordinarily beautiful and full. I will not and cannot go on living in the natural, mundane, and ordinary days. When the Holy Spirit takes over, nothing is ever boring. My God makes all things new. He makes beauty from ashes, turns sorrow into dancing, and gives joy instead of sadness (Is. 61:3; Psalm 30:11).
So, though I crave the intimacy I know I will have in a few short weeks, I will not settle for the ordinary days until launch. I choose to press into every aspect of every day. I choose to invite the Holy Spirit to direct my thoughts, conversations, and actions.
Today, and every day, I choose extraordinary and supernatural.
