Life in Mozambique was awesome but exceptionally hard at the same time. While there I felt so in tune with God and the Holy Spirit. I was on top of the mountain praising God with every fiber in my being. An alumni World Racer told me that as he was praying for me that God kept giving him the word "LIFE." As he inquired God to give him a deeper meaning, he was given three scenarios. One is that God will work through me to physically raise someone who is dead back to life. (Truthfully, I have a really hard time with this one and when he said it I laughed and said that we will see what happens. But if God wants to raise someone from the dead while I am in their presence, then who am I to say He cannot or is not capable?) The second is that God would use me to bring someone who is spiritually dead back to life. The final one is that God has given me the ability to walk into a negative environment, spiritually, emotionally, or mentally, and create a positive environment, bring life back to the room. (This last one I can already see God doing.)
With all of this positive and spiritual uplifting I was being showered in, I could sense the spiritual warfare that was going on around Iris Ministries, the place the whole squad was sleeping, eating, and worshiping. One night while we were all worshiping, I was leaning against the rail at the pavilion with my back to the outside wall of the compound, when a cold feeling and sense of fear ran down my spine. I turned to look behind me, only to sense and know that there was some sort of evil spirit lurking in the shadows of the mango trees. I immediately began to pray and within 20 minutes it was gone. Then the Holy Spirit told me to move and go meet with a missionary at Iris. As I explained the situation she began to laugh and told me that I have the gift of discernment of the spirits that I am so in tune with God and what He is telling me that He has given me this gift to be a mighty warrior for His kingdom. (It sounded a little crazy but a lot of things were all of the sudden explained to me. Since then, several other people, not knowing this story, have confirmed the same gift that they see in me.)
Shortly after, I was being pounded with spiritual warfare. I did not know until much later that there were witch doctors that lived on the other side of the fence. I also never had a peaceful nights rest while at Iris because evil likes to lurk in the dark and in my dreams. The evil was so prevalent that our place of rest was a place of war! A prayer walk was organized one night from 3 a.m. to 4 a.m. since that is the witching hour. I found that my first response to the evil was pure fear followed by prayers. However, "…perfect love casts out fear…" (1 John 4:18) and God is love so the fear began to subside. The wonderful bonus to this gift is that God has also given me the ability to see Him radiate in people. It really is a beautiful sight!
Through it all, I was still so joyful and thought I was standing on top of the mountain, not knowing how I could get much closer to God. Then debrief in South Africa happened. Five days of spending time with people I have come to love, worshiping every night. I was climbing even higher in my spiritual journey. I was speaking Life to people on my squad who were struggling; God was giving me everything that needed to be said at the right time. Oh, it was perfect because of Him!
As we transitioned to Swaziland and our new ministry of visiting people in the hospital, which is not something I have ever been comfortable with, I continued to grow closer to God, climbing the mountain higher than ever before. As we moved into week two of our month, I lost my grip and footing and began to fall. I found out on one Sunday that my college roommate, one of my best friends, and basically my sister, lost her baby that was due in 10 days. I refused to believe that this could be happening, that the doctors just couldn't find the heartbeat! I believe that God is the breath of life and that He could breathe life into the baby. I was determined not to speak any words of death over the baby, only LIFE! I spent the evening pleading to God to make it so. My friend was to be induced Monday and I was still confident that there would be a crying baby that day.
The news came Tuesday afternoon, my time, that she had the baby and the funeral would be Friday. My heart was broken, completely destroyed! I couldn't help but think about what the family was going through. I spent about three hours, hiding on the side of my house crying, being angry, and conversing with God. I had just completely fallen off of my mountain top experience with God. This is when Satan attacked. He started feeding my lies: "You can't speak Life. You couldn't do it over the baby. What was spoken over you was a lie. You might as well give up!"; "You fool! What made you think that you could change anything? How foolish were you to think that your prayers mattered?" These lies cut straight through my heart. I knew they were lies and asked God to take them away so I could focus on the true matter at hand, grieving for my friend/family.
I was so angry at God for this and could not understand why this had to happen. At this point I was throwing rocks at a wall, crying, throwing a fit, and screaming. Through it all, He was romancing me, giving me shooting stars, a gentle breeze, and the comfort of nature around me. The one person I wanted nothing to do with was the only one I wanted to talk to – God my Abba, my best friend. I found myself in one of the lowest valleys spiritually that I have not been in for a long time.
As I sit here writing this, I can say without a doubt that I am on my way back up the mountain. The pain has subsided and I am able to have a conversation with God, my daddy, without anger and speak life into others. Sometimes we have to go through the valleys so God can restore us to the person He has designed us to be. I know that as I continue on my journey, I will have to climb some more mountains and experience the valleys but it is worth it as long as my relationship with God grows deeper with every step. I am going to climb that mountain!
