Dear Friend,
Living in community is hard and it hurts. The more I live in community and struggle with the relationships around me, the more the Lord shows me how much ugliness and selfishness is still in my own heart. It is this pride that is still fighting to die as the Lord continues to lead me through this refining process of becoming more like Him. This is the same ugliness and selfishness that is hindering me from being one to love well and I am sorry.
I can see more than ever that I have failed in so many ways to truly love you, my dear friends and family at home as well as the friendships that have been lost because of my failure to love well.
I want to apologize and ask for your forgiveness for acting and responding out of a heart of rejection rather than out of a heart that knows it’s acceptance and worth in the Lord. I did not push through to walk in obedience, but rather often responded to you out of the hurt I felt, hoping you would feel the same pain I felt regardless of you having anything to do with the reason for my pain.
My second team on the World Race loved well. They showed me what it looked like to press through and fight for one another. They also showed me how much my actions and silence affects others. I still struggle with grasping that my actions and words could affect someone, which is a big reason I could so easily offend and hurt without realizing the damage I have done. Through all of this, the Lord has been showing me how I have failed to love and how much it really matters.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
– 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Dear Friend, I didn’t realize that the utmost goal is to be loved by God and love others out of that love. I am sorry. I just did not get it and I know you all had to take the heat of my shortcomings and pain and very conditional love.
I failed to be patient with each and every one of you in your weaknesses. Forgetting that we are all in our own processes of refinement with the Lord, I failed to have grace where you were still learning. I failed to be patient with your different perspectives and understandings of God. I realize now that I expected you to have it all together or at least look like you were trying, but really, we don’t do the work anyway. It is the Holy Spirit Who works in us and changes us and transfroms us from one degree of glory to another. Who am I to judge where you are at, if you are trying or if you care? You are accountable to the Lord alone and so am I… and as part of that I am held responsible for my love.
I was not kind. Instead, I chose to act in response to how your actions and inactions hurt me, rather than choosing to love through the work the Lord was doing in each of us. I lashed out at your shortcomings and my pain. My kindness was limited to my happiness. I am sorry I did not choose to act kindly regardless of how I felt or how I perceived you felt towards me. It wasn’t fair to you. I am sorry.
I envied how some people were favored. I envied how much weight others’ opinions carried and how little mine did or so it seemed to me. I envied how valued everyone else was and hurt by how overlooked and misunderstood I felt. I just wanted to belong and in my arrogance, I rudely shut down. I often offered very cutting words rather than ones of love and life and peace and grace. I am sorry.
By withholding my love from you, I withheld the love God would have shown you through me. By withholding my love from you, I withheld the gifts God could have used through me to bless you and lift you up and spur you on to greatness, but in my selfishness I held back. I held back of myself when I didn’t get from you what I felt I should have received. I am sorry for holding you to an unrealistic standard and expecting you to give what only the Lord can give and holding back the love the Lord put in me to give to you. I am sorry for putting a burden on you that you were never intended to carry. I can see now how I expected you to heal the brokenness in my heart rather than trusting the Lord to do what only He can do.
I am learning my life isn’t all about me anyway. It is about loving with the love the Lord has poured out on me and preferring others so they might know the Lord more deeply and become the men and women God created them to be. My ‘job’ has always been to love you well and pursue you and prefer you so the Lord could have His way. I did not do that. I am so sorry.
I am sorry for insisting on my own way. I had a certain image of what things should look like and when those expectations were not met, my heart failed to have grace. I am sorry for not trying to understand things from your perspective or allowing you to have your way. I am sorry for not preferring you so the Lord could do all He wanted to do in each of you.
I became so angry and resentful with the things that hurt me. I blamed you all for the lies the enemy spoke to me. I blamed you thinking the lies that were spoken were hurtful truths from each of you. I am sorry for assuming the worst and not giving you the benefit of the doubt.
There were even times I enjoyed when you failed. There were times I wanted you to struggle because I wanted you to feel the way I felt. I did not rejoice with you when the Lord was gracious with you and speaking to you and blessing you. I was resentful and envious because I wanted what you had. I wanted the grace you knew and the freedom you had to fail. I wanted to be seen better than I am seen and I wanted you to be seen worse than you were seen. I am sorry that my selfishness got so ugly and hateful. I am sorry I did not celebrate with you in the victories. I am sorry that I wanted you to get what you deserved more than the grace God so freely gives.
I’m sorry I did not bear up under all of the challenges that the Lord allowed in my life thus far to shape me into a woman who can reflect the image of His Son, but rather, I resisted making it harder on everyone. I am sorry for the hurt I might have caused you by withholding myself and my love. I am sorry I did not pursue each of you better and fight for you and love you well. I am so sorry that I so easily gave up. I am sorry that I was not the one to lock my eyes on the Lord and follow Him anyway, regardless. In failing to do so, I cheated you and I cheated God of what He could have done had I chosen to love and honor each of you.
I want to ask you if you are willing, will you please forgive me? Will you forgive me for my selfisness? I am sorry.
Are there any other hurts or offenses that I have caused? Please tell me now if you are willing. I want to reconcile. I want the Lord to heal the hurt and resentment I have caused. I want to learn to love well. I want to learn to fight for you and continue to be a part of the journey the Lord has allowed us to share in together.
Sincerely,
Heather
