…Or at least not this. If this is what following Christ looks like, I’m not so sure I want it.
Yesterday, I realized the burden I have been carrying these past couple of weeks is far greater than I could see and it all came crashing down in the form of tears over coffee with Darcie, one of my teammates.
I was looking forward to enjoying a white chocolate mocha, for only the second time in months, while enjoying some quality time and good conversation with a friend I have not had the chance to really connect with yet this month. I don’t know what happened other than the Lord, but we barely ordered before the floodgates opened and the tears started flowing as the words burst forth from my mouth trying to process what had been going on in my heart. I knew my heart was heavy but did not know what had been weighing it down so greatly until the words started coming out.
I have not seen God as I thought I would on the race. I have seen Him and His kindness and His provision, but He seems to have taken far more than He has given. He has seemed to have held back far more with me than I see in those around me and He has been far more silent than He has actually spoken. I feel overlooked and left out as though I am not even worth God’s love.
I have not changed as much as I have wanted. My heart is still cold. It is sensitive and easily wounded, but not nearly as compassionate as I imagined it would be towards the corruption and poverty and injustice I have seen. It has been healed in part, but I am still far more broken than I care to admit.
I have definitely enjoyed far less on this journey than I have walked through painfully. I love the traveling and getting to know different cultures and different people groups, but more often than not, I feel as though my heart is being wailed on by a baseball bat.
Last month was ful of grace and enjoyment, but out of 6 months, that was the only one and even in all the grace, I still did not hear much from the Lord. I still could not meet with Him whenever I wanted. He showed up on His terms and made Himself known on His terms, which was not often.
I still haven’t seen what Christian community looks like. I got a glimpse in our 4th month on the Race, with one of my teammates fighting so hard to love well, but as soon as we were no longer on the same team, I have barely heard from her and I am left wrestling if it was ever real at all.
Christians, as I have seen, are the most selfish and judgmental people I have ever met and I am suppposed to try to love them when they don’t try to love me back, or so it seems. Non-believers are so much more fun to hang out with. They are far more helpful, generous, accepting, understanding and kind. They gossip just as much as Christians, but they don’t hide what they really think from you. If they don’t like you, you know it and it is out in the open. You never really have to question where you stand with them. Christians are just not that way and the more time I’m stuck with them, the more I want to get away. I just want to go home to where I know for certain my family loves me.
I cannot change as fast or how anyone else expects of me. I cannot be kind enough or patient enough or loving enough or say the right words or do the right things. I just can’t be good enough to live up to what is expected and I am tired.
If following God is this painful, I don’t want it.
Everything I thought I knew and understood about God, I’m not so sure about anymore and I’m not sure I want it.
And then Darcie gently makes a simple observation, “It seems as though you only love the Lord when you can hear Him and the road is easy. When He called you to the World Race by asking ‘Are you ready to follow Me now?’, it seems like your ‘yes’ is conditional on the road being easy and enjoyable.”
I thought I could do hard, as long as I knew the Lord was with me, as long as I felt His precence and His peace, but it didn’t occur to me how much my heart would hurt and how little endurance I really had to follow Him into the darkness out into the great unknown where I cannot see His footsteps or hear His voice or see where we are going.
What I forgot was that Jesus said,
“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.
Luke 9:23-24
“A disciple is not above his teacher, nor a servant above his master. It is enough for the disciple to be like his teacher, and the servant like his master. If they have called the master of the house Beelzebul, how much more will they malign those of his household.
Matthew 10:24-25
I forgot that Peter told us,
“For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.”
1 Peter 2:21
And I also forgot the songs the Lord has spoken to me through that I have responded to in prayer to Him:
“…I have decided to follow Jesus
No turning back, no turning back
Though none go with me
I still will follow…”
-I Have Decided
“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior”
-Oceans [Where Feet May Fail]
My heart is heavy and it hurts. I do not like where I am at in this journey and I don’t know if I really want this, but I will wait and try to trust even when I cannot see and even wthen I do not understand.
“If my heart is overwhelmed
And I cannot hear Your voice
I hold on to what is true
Though I cannot see
If the storms of life they come
And the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith
I will believe
I’ll remind myself
Of all that You’ve done
And the life I have
Because of Your son”
-Love Came Down
“And even when we feel our God is being silent in the pain… that is the truest sense of faith must come into play. “
-Mary Beth Chapman
