During my DTS (Discipleship Training School) with YWAM (Youth With a Mission), God did a huge work in my heart. For the first time in my life, I felt alive and I knew it was because of the Lord. He set me free from the debilitating depression I had suffered for years and I was never the same. When I did my outreach in Mexico, I knew this is what I was made for… to walk with the Lord. I didn't know how. I didn't know what it would look like, but it was then I knew my life was made to live for the Lord. I was free, but I was still broken. God had only initiated the healing process.
This was the end of 2005, beginning of 2006. However, it didn't take long after returning home before I lost my freedom. I didn't know how to continue walking with the Lord and I struggled bad. Every year in between then and now, I have desperately tried to find my way back to the Lord. He has been there, He has led me and responded when I called on Him, but I still felt discontent. I was not living in the fullness Jesus promised, nor the fullness I felt during my DTS. The pain that was in my heart only grew. It appeared the healing process stopped as I somehow walked away from the Lord.
Seven days ago, after traveling ALL DAY, my squad arrived in Guatemala. As soon as we flew over the land, my heart skipped a beat in me. I felt more at home than I have felt since I was on the mission field in Mexico all those years ago. That was the first time I have truly felt an excitement about doing The World Race. Don't get me wrong, I have been excited from the beginning of the application and acceptance process because God spoke to me more clearly about this than anything else in my life. I know without a doubt that this is what I am supposed to do at this time in my life, but my heart has been more afraid of the stretching out of my comfort zone than it has been excited about what God is doing.
It only took 3 full days in Guatemala before God did something I never thought He would do. I love my parents dearly, but it has not always been so easy. God is doing a beautiful work in my parents and in my relationship with them and I am so thankful, but my entire life I felt like my mom, dad and brother were the family and I was on the outside. This has affected me more than I ever realized. I have struggled so much in groups of people feeling that I never belonged. As much as I love my squad, I didn't think I belonged or that I even deserved to belong. I hold back so much of myself because, more often than not, I do not feel accepted. I even view my relationship with God that way. He answers my prayers for others, but I so often feel left out, that God does not want to bless me in the same ways.
And then it happened. I got into a conversation with our squad mom, Lisa, and the topic somehow came up. I think God initiated it because He wanted to heal it. That wall in my heart I've had forever and had no idea how to tear down… that wall that I knew was in the way of me connecting with God more fully, yeah THAT wall came tumbling down. We prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more. Tim, our squad dad, came over and started speaking more truth to me and prayed, and we all prayed again. God healed that brokenness in my heart! I still struggle with feeling as though I belong in the squad because we are a messed up people and do things to hurt each other out of our own hurts. People still do things and do not do things that make me feel left out, BUT God has given me a sense of belonging. I am free. I am really free!
God has given me a joy I don't think I have ever known. It is deep and real and I just want more. I want more of God and I will not stop until I have it. Three whole days and God healed something in me I have been holding onto for 28 years. God is so good. He is so, so good to us. I am overwhelmed. As hard as this race might get, I am going to push through with all that I am and all that I have so I can receive and know everything God has for me. This is going to be one heck of adventure! More, Lord! I just want more.
