Permanent Changes~ Physically and Spiritually

If you’ve kept up with my blog then you might remember back in Ireland when God led me to expose my past on my blog and some pretty sweet freedom came from it. (From hell on earth to being the daughter of a King) Then the morning after posting I had an awesome experience with the Holy Spirit as light was shed and I realized it had been 7 years to the day since I attempted suicide.

 

If you look up the significance of the number 7 (I also blogged about it Seven) you will find that the number 7 is used as a symbol for perfection and completion.

 

It is no coincidence that 7 years after I tried to end my life, God gave me freedom for a new life. So my tattoo is a white tattoo of the number seven, and if you cover the top line of the 7, you see the cross. This is my reminder of the redemption that God brings, the freedom that He has for us, and the all encompassing love that I’ll never understand. 

 

(It’s on the inside of my left wrist…placed right beside a few scars from back in high school.)

 

I had decided back in Ireland when all of this happened that I would love to get this tattoo, but God has continued to pursue me in ways that confirmed me wanting to get this done. 

We’re in our 7^th country now, and coming into this month God prompted me to do one of the hardest things imaginable and distance myself from one of my best friends…someone that has been by my side through everything.  Sometimes to grow closer to God we have to make sacrifices. One of my good friends here mentioned in the middle of my breakdown that we’re going into month 7…and reminded me how much God has used this in my life.

 

Less than a week into this month I had another crazy experience with the Holy Spirit. In a prayer house, in the middle of all of the bars… in the upper room. I’ve been trying to figure out how to even blog about it, and as a wise man we’ve met here told us last week at the prayer house (ok, it’s also in the Bible, but this man reminded us of it)…we’re not to fear man or what man thinks. Speaking God’s truth and greatness is far more important! So I may not have the right words and you might think I’m crazy, but that’s ok. =) 

 

My prayer all day had been that I wanted more of God…whatever that was to look like, I wanted more. We got to the prayer house late and joined in the worship and prayer. It was good. Later on one of the men challenged us to lay down our fears before God. I really couldn’t think of any fears, but began asking God if there was anything I needed to lay down. What I got back was something I’ve heard many times before, that He has more for me, but that I’m afraid of what that is. I ended up on my face before God for the next hour… and as I consciously let my walls down the Holy Spirit moved inside of me. I told God YES, no matter how crazy I look, or sound, or feel, no matter what others think, no matter what happens, I want whatever He wants to give me. There was a change in my spirit that I can’t describe. God began giving me words that I don’t understand, more words and phrases, no idea what’s coming out, but I know it’s the Holy Spirit, and I know I trust Him. Each step of the way God kept asking “Are you still in?” “Do you still say YES?”  and my response will remain, YES, as long as I live yes, I want all that God has for me!

 

I asked God to open a can of worms and He did.

 

I’ve said for months now that I believe God uses people in crazy ways- prophesy, visions, speaking in tongues… but I’ve also said that I don’t feel like God plans on doing that in me. If he wants to that’s ok, but I didn’t think he would. I don’t know a ton about it, I don’t understand it, but I said that I’m open to whatever God has for me…

 

So apparently I pray in tongues sometimes…

 

Then it was time to leave and I made a conscious decision that weeell maybe I wouldn’t say anything to my team just yet, I had no idea how to explain it! However, God had other plans and so when I stood up I thought I was lightheaded and grabbed on to Courtney’s shoulder.  Then realized that I wasn’t dizzy, I was spiritually in a place I’ve never been, and it’s good, but I was going down, physically, I couldn’t stand.  I started to fall backwards and Court caught me. In broken English I tried telling her it’s ok, it’s good, it’s God, I’m ok.  Tears began to flow down my face, my hands were shaking uncontrollably, and I couldn’t stop laughing…

 

Either the Holy Spirit showed up big time, or I should be in a mental institute. Court joined in the laughter from the Holy Spirit.  It was only fitting that she be the one there… and that this would all come about after freedom and laying things down to be closer to God, even when it hurts.