"Just close your eyes / The sun is going down / You'll be alright / Noone can touch you now / Come morning light / You and I'll be safe and sound."
Our days off have come at fairly regular intervals. As you probably already know, we’re living in pretty tight quarters, so all we’ve really wanted to do is rest. This month, resting looks like a lot of long bus rides into the main city so we can get internet, good Lebanese food and the few things we need for Africa. Our spa days include the samples at the Body Shop and an hour in a free massage chair. Oh, and movies. We’ve seen a LOT of movies.
It’s official. My team has seen more movies while being in Malaysia than I have in—oh, probably—my entire life. We’ve watched Harry Potter and Chronicles of Narnia, Spiderman and the Cabin in the Woods, the Vow and Mirror Mirror. I’ve even seen the Hunger Games… twice. (No judgement, people.)
I’ve found it really funny—and vaguely frustrating—that I haven’t felt rested at all. In fact, this month has taken everything out of me emotionally. It’s by far my favorite month, just the most draining. I talked to a dear friend a few days ago, a man also on my squad who has far more responsibility than I ever will, and he said, “I think one of your biggest responses to me when asked how you are is tired. I am very thankful that you feel you can be honest with me and yet I am wondering, “When is she gonna figure out that whole rest thing?” There’s a difference between physical rest and spiritual rest, he told me, and I desperately needed to figure out the latter. He’s right, of course, but then, he usually is.
A huge challenge for me this month has been resting in the safety that the LORD provides. A lot of my past has come to the forefront, things I haven’t wanted to think about. I’ve had several flashbacks and a panic attack, which are serious attacks of the Enemy on my mental state, if you want the truth. My nightmares are back with a vengeance. More than once, I’ve looked at Kenra, my team leader, and said, “I’d feel so much safer if the guys were here. They’d know what to do.”
One of the great things about the B Squad men I’m blessed to call “mine” are that they’ve proved over and over that distance won’t keep them from me. What I mean is, all I have to do is ask and they’re there. They’ll answer the phone or an email just as quickly as possible. They provide emotional safety, even when they can’t be physically present. Let me just say that the fact that they are able to do that in my life is a huge, Kingdom victory.
But here’s the thing I’m learning—and it’s funny because it was one of ”my” men who first said this to me—God’s so much bigger than they are. When he told me this, we were wading across a river after team changes and I looked at him, tear-streaked and panicking. I asked, “What am I supposed to do when you’re not there?” And he said, “Heather, God’s so much bigger than I am.” He’s right, of course, but then, he usually is.
The LORD is my ROCK OF REFUGE (Ps. 71:3). He is my STRONG TOWER (Ps. 61). He is my DEFENDER (Is. 19:20). And I’m learning that though He’s allowed some really fantastic men to be His weapons to protect me, ultimately, He’s the one wielding the sword. He is the one to look to when I feel weak and alone and afraid, when I sense danger at every corner, when I feel the tightness in my chest stealing my air. He’s my safe and sound.
“I prayed to the LORD. He answered me. He freed me from all my fears.” -Psalm 34:4
