I’ll be honest: Vietnam was a really dry month for me. It was a month characterized by feeling something akin to a caged bird. The birdcage I was in was beautiful, but it was a cage nonetheless.
We were in plush living conditions by any standards: a little hotel run by a Vietnamese family. We had air conditioning, wifi, hot showers, even a roof where I did Insanity (a plyometrics exercise video) most mornings. We stayed well within budget. At the end of the month we were blessed with a few nights in Mui Ne, a beautiful beach town several hours away, with our contact.
But I wasn’t content. And honestly, if you asked me, I don’t know that I could have explained why that was. Maybe it had something to do with feeling like our “ministry” was very all-over-the-place. We didn’t ever really get plugged in; instead, we bounced from orphanage to seminary to home for the blind to English Tea Talks at a local coffee house. All were very good things, but it was a lot to take in all at once.
When we were finally able to settle into one ministry—the Tea Talks—I still felt out of place. Vietnam isn’t technically a closed country, but that’s very much a technicality. We weren’t allowed to openly speak of our faith unless we were asked. The coffee shop didn’t allow us to speak of Jesus at all. It was purely a place to make connections for dates outside the talks. I struggled with feeling like our presence in Vietnam was pointless. How would we make a difference if we couldn’t talk about Jesus?
I still don’t have the answer to that question.
At one point in my journal, I was complaining to the LORD about this. In reading the entry again, I can hear my heart, high-pitched and put-out, whining at God like a child who wasn’t really getting her way. I imagine that the LORD just shook His head in frustration, then, gently turned me toward the cross.
Sometimes I forget that preaching “the cross and Him crucified” to myself is just as important as preaching it to the nations. I’m having to learn over and over again that this trip isn’t just about what I can do for someone. More often than not, it’s learning about what the LORD wants to do for me. When I think about what He’s already done, when I sit and think about the beautiful grace in the Gospel, when I remember that it’s also for me, I am overwhelmed.
Because the Gospel is just this: There is this really BIG God and He loves us all in a really BIG way. At some point along the way, we all messed up. Because we messed up, we had to be separated from God, since nothing bad can be part of Him. God couldn’t stand that, so He sent His son, the one He loved most, to clean up our mess. His son’s name is Jesus. Jesus has the same BIG love for us that His Father does. Our mess was so BIG that He had to give up His life to cover it, and He did it without question. All He asks of us is that we love Him BIG back.
I’m still learning how BIG that love for me is.
I'm learning that He loves us both the same.
