It wasn't so long ago that I was going through a similar process of leaving. Granted, my destination was arguably more westernized (Edinburgh, Scotland), my position was definitely more stable (one country instead of eleven) and my bags were significantly heavier (two rolling duffel bags and my trusty REI backpack). I was twenty. At that point, I was a brand new Christ-follower living in southern Germany and was in a (somewhat) serious relationship with the man I kind of thought I'd end up with permanently. (You say Naiive? I say Optemisticaly Hopeful.) If you'd asked me then what my plans post graduation looked like, I probably would have spun a pretty, domestic story about a newly married girl who goes to grad school during the day and spends time with friends and her guy at night.
Obviously, nothing worked out quite the way I thought it would. In fact, it has been almost two years since that relationship ended, taking with it my very traditionalist view of life post-grad and leaving me in Edinburgh with a year to decide on an alternative theory. I spent a lot of time by myself that year, often catching the 15A bus to Portobello Beach in Leith, and writing in the Beach House Cafe with a pot of tea.
I'll be honest: God was abundantly, above and beyond, more than I could ask or imagine, GOOD to me that year. He and I had many conversations on that beach (and many others in Europe, come to think of it) that year. I wrote some of my most honest journals there, in less than perfect handwriting punctuated by fiercly put-down exclamations points. Things like "WHY DID THIS HAPPEN??" and "WHAT THE H (sorry to be crass but that's the verbatim) DO YOU WANT FROM ME??"
In all these… er… heated discussions (fights? Can you fight with God, really?), I read Psalm 37:4, familiar enough to most believers, and probably very often taken out of context. It says "Take delight in the LORD / and He will give you the desires of your heart / Commit your way to Him / and He will do this."
To make a really long story short, we kept fighting about this passage for over a year. I kept saying that what He'd taken away was what I'd wanted. He kept saying, "Was it?" an answer that was–in a word–infuriating. The week before I left Edinburgh for good, I sat on the beach and wrote myself a letter. It's a wierd thing to do, I know, but I have this really bad habit of leaving a place and missing it so much that I make myself only remember the bad things. That way, it doesn't hurt so much that I'm not there anymore. I wanted to remember all the good things that the LORD did that year. I wrote it almost without thinking about the words, tucked a spiral shell in the envelope along with the letter and mailed it to Vilseck, Germany, where I spent the next three months.
When I made it back, the letter was waiting for me. I sat on a hill in a park I loved and read it. At the end, I'd written:
"Remember what you learned here, in this city. You've only ever wanted three things: to write, to travel and to love God and other people."
Two years later, I'm beginning to realize that those are the true desires of my heart. It's funny how the LORD gives us exactly what we want, sometimes much to our dismay. I'm blessed in that, while I'm as surprised as anyone that this in the path the LORD's put before me, it is exactly the path I wanted. "I want adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can tell." (thanks, Belle.) Maybe that's because it's the path He wants for me, which makes sense given the last twenty-two years. The family I was born into, the Army brat life I've led, even the tattoo on the inside of my left foot all have prepared me for this year.
It begins tomorrow. Thank you for your support, financial and prayerful. It means so so much more than I could ever say. Please keep praying for my Team as we are FINALLY together on Friday, and for our Squad as we get adjusted.
Be on the lookout. My next post is coming to you from Antigua!!!!!!!
