With the end of every semester comes the same ritual. I spend fifteen extra minutes tidying up my room and prepping for the next day before bed. I attempt to get up earlier to have a longer quiet time. I make the most epic to-do list ever imagined, adding absolutely everything that I think I might have to do before school finishes. I go crazy trying to check things off, getting every detail done perfectly, and somehow, by that Friday before classes let out, everything is finished.
These next days leading up to Finals Week are packed from seven am to five pm with classes, meetings, doctors appointments, homework, papers, appointments with professors and random runs for chai mattes from MUGS in Fort Collins, a coffee shop that can only be described as my happy place. I'm convincing myself that, yes, I do need to run that extra mile at the gym, or pick up that double shift at work, or clean the entire house at six am. The strange thing is that most of the time, I'm pretty content to be this busy. I like being on my feet, working at some great project or putting the finishing touches on decorations for the graduation party a few friends and I are having or planning my first fundraiser for WR.
As I look ahead to the SEVENTEEN (whoop whoop!!) days between me and graduation, I'm realizing that this preparation ritual isn't going to matter very much soon. I'm seventeen days away from something like freedom, something like adulthood.
I've never felt less prepared for anything in my life.
I think that's ok.
The thing is that the things the Lord is using to prepare me for this next section of my life, this World Race section, aren't on my six page to-do list. They aren't part of my normal schedule. Instead, He's bringing opportunities I NEVER would have expected. Like being able to do my first set of baptisms last week.
Yeah, this was pretty amazing.
He also gave me the chance to go to an amazing worship night–called ONE–led by some of my dear friends at Colorado State University on Sunday. I came away feeling at peace and renewed for the first time in a while but also battling old struggles with new intensity.
He's still teaching me a lot about trust and timing, two things that go hand-in-hand rather unwillingly in my head. I'm struggling to believe that His timing is perfect. In my head, I know it's true, but my heart is skeptical. This struggle was emphasized today in my devotions because my squad has decided to read through the very mission-centered book of Acts together. Today Acts 1:7 jumped out at me. The Message version says
"You don't get to know the timing. Timing is the Father's business."
For a planner like me, this wasn't comforting. I have the obnoxious tendency to believe that I not only know what's best, but when it will be best. It's akin, I think, to seeing that the milk in your fridge expired a week ago and drinking it regardless or that the avocados aren't ripe but trying to make guacamole anyway. It's breaking all the rules and then, even when you know you're dead wrong, asking, "What do those silly farmers–who grow the fruit and milk the cows–know anyhow?"
That's been my attitude for a while towards God. He's saying to let things go, that He can replace my sour milk with fresh, good stuff. He's saying to wait a little while, that these avocados aren't ready to eat just yet. He's saying that He knows better. And sometimes I listen, but more often than not I get frustrated and try to do things my way. He says his timing is better than mine, in fact, that his timing is none of my business… and I scowl, stomp my feet and throw a hissy fit. Timing–or, more accurately, waiting on HIS timing–is not my strong point. If I had my way, I'd know exactly what my summer job will be. I'd already be fully supported for this missions trip. I'd have a response to an important letter I sent a few weeks ago. Instead, it's been mostly silent on all fronts. This is not how I would choose to do things.
While the first part of that verse isn't so comforting, the second part is. Luke says that the timing belongs to the Lord, that it's His business. That means that He'll take care of it. That He knows what He's doing. That I can stop stressing.
He knows what I need. He knows that I need a job, so that I can live in CO and fundraise and be with my home church for one more summer before WR. He knows where, when and from whom the money will come. He knows whether or not I'll ever get a response to my letter and what that response will be. He provides ALL my needs according to His riches and glory. He is Jehovah Jirah, my Provider.
As I'm writing this, one of my teammates posted a prayer in our group blog about this exact same topic. See? The Lord is bigger than my fear that I might just be going through this alone. Prayer answered.
So thank You in advance, Abba, for being a God who knows everything I need and providing it. Thank You in advance for the job You have in store for me. Thank You for the funds that will come to make WR possible. Thank You for whatever answer you have for that letter. Thank You for providing above and beyond all I could ask or imagine. Thank You that Your salvation arrives on the run, Your deliverance right on time. Thank You for my Team and how You are preparing us for this unbelievable journey together. Thank You that You never leave me or forsake me, that no matter where I go, I'm never far from You. Thank You that you hear me when I call on You, that You listen when I pray. Thank You that I have an intercessor with You in the Holy Spirit, who brings my cries to You with groans too deep for human understanding. Thank You in advance for all You're doing through this time of challenges and changes. I want to be wholly, unreservedly Yours.
