As I washed an apple this morning, I accidentally put my finger through a soft spot in the bottom of it. I figured that most of the apple would still be okay since it looked tasty and firm for the most part. So I started eating it. The more I ate, the more I realized that it wasn’t just that soft spot in the bottom, the whole core was rotten! First of all – eww, it tasted like moss or something earthy. Second of all – it was a great reminder for me today.
Even when an apple looks good on the outside, nastiness inside can still leak out. The inside of the fruit is what counts, and when that is rotten – the whole piece is useless and nasty. Rottenness starts in the core and slowly leaks out to ‘soft spots’ that are actually visible. I think humans are the same way. Rottenness starts in the core of our hearts and can be disguised for a while, but it slowly comes out in different ways until it’s clear that something awful is going on inside. The major difference between this rotten apple core and our sinful human hearts is that we have a Savior who can make our rotten insides good again.
One of my teammates had a vision about me and I know it was from the Lord. (Kind of graphic, but so true. Beware!) She saw a man cut my arm off with a machete and then I somehow repaired it with my own stitches, but in doing that I lost the feeling in my arm. God showed her that He was going to remove each of those stitches and put me back together His way, and I would regain feeling in that arm again.
Her vision wasn’t saying that my arm was literally going to be cut off. But this vision does hit the nail on the head. So many things have happened since living in Haiti and processing them has been very difficult. Since I came home in June, I sorted through some emotional stuff and kind of thought I was alright and was healing after a man in Haiti destroyed so many good things that were happening there. I put my heart and soul into a program for 10 months and loved on 130 kids five days a week, and this man’s greed shut this program down – along with many other fruitful things in the area. [My arm was totally chopped off by a man who was supposed to be mission minded.]
It was hard to forgive this man and move on, but I thought I had.
Boy was I wrong!
My first month in Thailand I was faced with the reality that this bitterness hasn’t gone away, there’s still a deep seed down inside me that I had buried without even realizing it. But it is there, and comes out in so many different ways when I work with new ministries. I almost immediately jump to the conclusion that things are sketchy if questions can’t be answered how I want them to be. And I ask questions that are for my own benefit – to prove to myself that it is either a good ministry, or a scam. [By stitching up my own arm after it was chopped off by this man, I lost the feeling in it. I am no longer able to look at a ministry and see its fruitfulness at first sight. I struggle to find it, and sometimes I still don’t think it’s legit! The stitches I put in myself are only surface level, quick fixes. They will not last.]
I know God has more missions in my future. But I can’t serve Him well if I haven’t been properly healed first and have full use of all my limbs. Right now God is asking me to start by praying for this man that I have so much bitterness towards. It’s hard. I don’t really want to, but I know that it’s the place to start. I want to serve God and follow Jesus as best as I can and I can’t do that if I don’t get the feeling back in my arm first. I can’t serve God truthfully when my heart has a big seed of bitterness in it. Humans make mistakes and are evil sometimes, that’s reality. But reality also is that I have been forgiven by Jesus. So how can I not return the same favor to this man? I am no better than he is. This is a hard thing to swallow, but it is the truth. [God is taking the stitches out one by one right now, and He will put me back together so I have full use of my arm again! He will give me the power to forgive this man.]
As I am going through the New Testament, I realized that Jesus didn’t just walk around throwing His healing powers right and left at people. However, He did use His power when people came to Him and asked for healing. I am asking Him for healing and for help to love this person that I can’t even honestly say I like right now. I know He has healing power in ways I don’t understand. I know it will happen, because my God is faithful! 🙂 But in the mean time I would appreciate extra prayers for a heart of overflowing love towards EVERYONE.
Thanks for coming along on this journey with me! 🙂
Love you!
Heather
specific prayer requests: prayers for loving everyone – especially the one I am so bitter towards, for my teammate Tori’s headaches to go away, health for my team – so many colds going around, the mumps are going around at the school we are working at – so prayers for protection of these children from that, prayers to be emotionally filled so that I can overflow to others
weird things I have eaten: wild Cambodian spring roll with ants, Mediterranean roll thing with ant, crickets and silk worms, scorpion tail, tarantula legs, tarantula donut legs (just the tarantula fried like a donut). The scorpion tail was probably my favorite if I had to pick…it tasted like crispy bacon!! 🙂 And the tarantula legs kind of tasted like BBQ! Haha!
The above food was from a special bug cafe. The bugs are all cooked safely and all perfectly fine to eat – trust me I asked first. The bugs come to them live, from the villages around Siem Reap. They freeze them immediately in a -14 degree freezer until they are ready to be prepared! The village farmers who supply this cafe, take for themselves what they need to survive and eat, and then sell the rest to the cafe. So these things are eaten ‘just because’ out in the villages and when the farmers have excess, they sell it! WOW! Can’t imagine tarantula being a regular on the ‘everyday week night menu.’ 😛 hehe what an experience!
