Why is it so hard for us to be REAL with people?
When someone asks- "how are you.."
more times than not, we say, "I'm good." or "I'm fine."
when in reality, we are a mess on the inside.
So we build up walls so that things dont affect us.
–its our defense mechanism
Then put on a smile and go on about our days.
I'll be REAL with you-
I am guilty.
And I didn't realize it until recently.
But, I hide behind my walls that I've built for myself.
I was just telling a friend the other day that last time before I left for Race #1,
I was conifdent. I was at peace. I was excited. I said,
"I had it all together."
But now,Before Race #2,
I'm a mess.
I don't want to say goodbye.
I don't want to be pushed or pulled or stretched because I know how much it hurts.
And I definitely don't want to let my walls down because I'm afraid people will see my garbage.
It hurts to realize…. i dont have it all together.
But I dont think that I should….
If I had it all together– why would I need Him?
I was laying in bed the other night feeling heavy about these walls that I've built.
So- I wrote….
I choose each brick so carefully
I stack them two by two
To hide everything on the inside
So that people can't see through
I take my time to build it up
Exactly how I feel it should be
But when I get done constructing,
I feel nothing more- still empty.
Then I come to a point where I hate my walls.
And I hate the bricks I've picked.
I want them to come tumbling down
but seeing the inside makes me sick.
Dont look inside my wall or peek around the corner
Its mine. Im in control.
Dont look through the gaps or knock on the side
im covering the broken pieces that keep me from being whole
Just let me keep pretending I can cover it up
and keep working for a meaningless goal
Let me keep my blinders on
while still pretending that i am whole
Daddy, I'm scared because I want you
to break me down and expose it all
To wait for you to crumble every brick
that I've built up on my wall.
I want to see the brokenness.
I want to feel the pain.
I want to expose my emotions.
I want to go against the grain.
I want to do the thing that's difficult
I can't do what is "easy" anymore
I need you to have all of me
Like I thought I'd given you before
I'll sit at your feet as you throw off each brick,
breaking them two by two
And I'll cry and be scared but I'll know you're there
and with each brick, know you are making me new.
I admit- I am scared.
But, I know that this race is what God has for me, so I will walk through it.
And I will sit at the feet of Jesus for 11 months while he crumbles and exposes the REALness of it all.
So, let the walls come down.
I leave on September 5th, please be in prayer for me and my team as we travel to our first country, Guatemala.
Thank you for following me.
The Lord has amazing plans in store. I cannot wait!
God Bless You!
