Two weeks ago I gave my notice to the family I’ve nannied for over the past year. It was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done, but I know it was the right decision. When God called me to the race, I knew that He was going to require me to trust Him completely. What I didn’t know was exactly what trusting Him looked like. I’ve said time and time again, “I trust that God will…” or “I believe God is going to….” The problem with those statements was that I always had a backup plan if God didn’t do whatever I asked of Him. Time and time again I put restraints on God and what I believe He is capable of. I give Him ultimatums and time constraints. I ask Him for things based on what I think He is capable of. I break off a piece of my heart to give to Him just in case He drops it. That way, if He doesn’t come through I still have something left to hold on to. I can talk a big game about trusting Him completely when really I have put God in a box and I give Him just enough room to do what I think He needs to do.
A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine asked our small group to pray that God would provide the money for her tuition for summer school. Her financial aid had run out for the semester and she was not sure how she was going to get the money before the deadline came. Yesterday she texted us and said that after filing her taxes she was getting back the exact amount she needed for her tuition. We all praised God and thanked Him for His faithfulness because, let’s be real, we know it wasn’t due to the IRS. It was because God is a loving Father who wants to provide for His children.
I was on cloud nine and was certain that just as He had provided for her, He would also do the same for me. In fact, I was banking on my tax return and had already established that as His provision for me during this time of transition from my job. A few hours later Mom called and told me that I OWED a little over $1,300 on my taxes. My first thought was that she had read the paper wrong and that must be what I was RECEIVING on my taxes. But she was right. I owed money on my taxes, and with the same breath that I had declared the goodness of God just hours before, I turned right around and spat in His face. I was furious because the plans that I had decided He should have for me didn’t work out.
At church on Sunday we talked about desires and expectations. We go into relationships with desires of what it will be like and at some point those desires become expectations. That is what has happened in my relationship with Jesus. I come into situations with desires of what I hope to happen and then I turn those desires into expectations. I WANTED a tax return and therefore I EXPECTED one. I desired that God would provide for me in that way and so I expected him to bring provision through my tax return. I didn’t give Him the benefit of the doubt. I didn’t give any thought to the fact that the God of the universe doesn’t need the IRS to be His means of provision. He just needs me to take Him out of the box.
