These past 7 months of squad leading have taken me on a journey of self-discovery that has led to both disappointment and motivation. Disappointment because I’m not as good at this whole “spiritual leadership” thing as I had hoped to be. Motivation because the community that surrounds me has provided me with a safe place to fail, to learn, and to grow.
I remember the first four months of the Race when I was a team leader….
I found it easy and natural to lead by example. I was blessed with an incredible team of 5 other women who loved me and supported me so well. I never worried that I was unappreciated or that my leadership was disapproved of because they affirmed me often, and it was easy for us to be honest with each other about everything.
When I began squad leading, things were different. Not only was I leading those 5 women, but 30 additional men and women that I barely knew. I was now asking 30 others who barely knew me to follow me. When the alumni squad leaders asked me to lead, my first response was “does the squad actually want me to?” They affirmed me, saying that it was what The Lord wanted and that they had complete confidence in me….but I still had my doubts.
I’ve been placed in leadership positions since I was young, and I’m finding out now that some of those experiences have perverted my idea of what leadership is supposed to look like.When I joined the band program in middle school, I practiced really hard to be good at percussion and was chosen as the captain of the Drum Line. I competed in my county, state, and region and was often selected as the First Chair Percussionist. Being a girl, and often younger than my competitors, I didn’t have much respect as a leader. The boys were angry that I was leading and the elders were jealous. Because I wasn’t respected, my leadership wasn’t followed, and the fear of rebellion was birthed in me. I was young and ignorant, and I thought that the only way to make people listen was to put on thick skin and use whatever authority I had to intimidate them. I hardened my approach in order to put up with rebellious boys. I stepped into condescending humor and wore the mask of ‘having it all together’ to hide my fear.
In worldly leadership, that approach works, sometimes. You lead through intimidation and others listen because they fear you. But that isn’t the kind of leader I want to be. I want to be the kind of leader that people follow because they want to… because they know, respect, and trust me. Because I live out my love for them everyday, so they believe that following me will benefit them. But I’m learning that as much as I want to be this type of leader, there are wounds from my past that continue to affect how I respond in certain situations. That same fear of rebellion still resides in me.
On the Race, genuine friends who love me well have helped me learn what spiritual leadership looks like. Through honest and vulnerable conversations, light has been shed on the parts of me that need to change. I’ve had the opportunity to exchange perspectives with God-fearing people who see things differently than I do. I’ve been able to learn from and model after leadership styles that are completely different than mine. Gifts from God have been pointed out in me, giving me the confidence to walk in them more boldly. I’m learning how to lead out of helplessness and vulnerability and I’ve removed the mask of “having it all together” when I so clearly don’t.
I’m a leader and God chose that.
Sometimes I’m great at it, and sometimes I suck at it.
I have a lot to learn, and sometimes those growing pains hurt.
But I am becoming increasingly dependent on The Lord to lead me as I lead others.
{And I will} rejoice, too, when {I} run into problems and trials, for {I} know that they help {me}develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens {my} confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For {I} know how dearly God loves {me}, because he has given {me}the Holy Spirit to fill {my}heart with his love. Romans 5:3-5
