Waking up this morning, I found myself surrounded by pillows and sheets in every direction possible. It looked as though a tornado had created the chaos that comprised by linens. Within moments, I began to think about the chaos this next year’s journey will be on my current life and lifestyle. I like to think about it as a beautiful chaos-where what I now value and hold dear changes forever.
My thoughts about this next year’s journey then shifted to the idea of pilgrimage–both in the physical sense from country to country and spiritually–how will God change me? How will my perspective change? How will my value system change? How will it stay the same? How will I be broken? How will my spiritual life be different?
To be honest, I enjoy where I am at and how God is working in my life. My life is neither perfect nor am I seeking perfection in my daily life. A few months ago, that was a drastically different story. I strived to be perfect in all that I invested my time and self in. It makes me laugh to think that but 12 months ago I was engulfed in some final undergraduate projects at Belmont, 6 months ago stressed with a dead-end job, and now–while I have been struggling with finances and time management, I know that I am where I am supposed to be with my business and various projects. While I still have perfectionist tendencies, I have come to realize that grace-not just for others, but for myself, is more than needed in my day-to-day life.
While the title of this post was to be in direct reference to my physical “waking up” this morning, it is applicable to my spiritual life in recent months. While I have (and still do) battle with being a perfectionist (and a prideful one at that), I have begun to “wake up” and see the negative patterns of seeking after perfection primarily and not God’s grace in my daily life. I am reminded of this quite frequently as I tend to love others regardless of their struggles and yet I cannot truthfully do the same in my own life. This is, I have learned and re-learned in recent years, as though I am devaluing God and His choice to create, choose, and guide me as His daughter. As I “wake up” to this realization, who knows how my life will be changed? I am excited to see where and how God changes me.
