I do not tend to be nervous about too many situations or activities in life. Or when I do, it quickly fades when my rational and spiritual sides kick in.
Yet, I woke up yesterday (Friday, September 25th) with a sinking feeling of nervousness. I woke up with the thought that this up-coming year is a once-in-a-lifetime-life-changing experience that I am about to jump into. And there’s no turning back.
But that is not why I woke up nervous. Quite simply, I woke up nervous because of the thought about change. Now, to make things perfectly clear, I love change. I relish the very thought of change. Yet, I woke up with the thought that I am about to change forever with this call on my life to go, serve, love, and break for His kingdom in nearly a dozen countries.
I sat in bed, reading 1 Timothy and mulling over the impetus of my unexpected fear of personal change and then it dawned on me: I like who I am. For the first time in years, I like who I am. But not only that, but I also like where I am and who I am ‘doing life’ with. I like that I run around like a crazy woman from one activity/non-profit/friend/concert/gallery/group/meeting/conference/employer to another oh…five to twelve times a day. I like that I have time to run and do yoga. I like that my favorite cafes are within walking distance and the baristas know what I want before I open my mouth. I like that I am able to make contacts and friends with ease. I like that I have friends to hang out with whenever. I like that I am able to ‘take care of’ and ‘look after’ some friends of mine to certain extents. I like that I nanny a 5-year old who thinks I am amazing as I teach him tennis, climb trees, race, and talk about God and angels. I like that I am “green” and make strives to care for the earth without being labeled negatively. I like being a vegetarian. I like being invested in my church and homegroup. I like still having college friends as well as friends in a similar chapter of life as I. I like going for weekend trips with friends. I like sitting on one of the couches in my living room, listening to a Mark Driscoll podcast, drawing, working on my small business, and talking to Renee’ (my roommate) about her day. I like dropping off small items to show I care at Jeanie and Brad’s. I like having friends who love me enough to call me out, for I am stubborn. I like volunteering in various capacities within Nashville. I like midnight drives to churches and to just be on the road with Tyler. I like feeling safe with the ones I love. I like mini-road trips with Erin and her dog. I like sitting on Aaron’s couch talking and talking and talking. I like co-hosting parties potlucks at my apartment. I like sipping tea with Layne and Ashley at Fido or Frothy Monkey. I like talking to Steven, Jonathan, Caleb, and Patrick for hours on end. I like hiking with Greg and Mo. I like analyzing music alone. I like driving in my convertible, silently praying or listening to NPR. I like stealing myself away to Radnor Lake or Percy Warner to reflect and be out in the woods. I like learning about others and myself. I like analyzing anything and everything. I like learning about plants, insects, and ecosystems. I like going to sporting events. I like touring around towns and cities I do not know. I like meeting with politicians. I like loving the homeless. I like meetings. I like solo road trips. I like leaving my rain jacket behind and hiking with Layne as it pours. I like Saturday morning Bible studies with Kim and the ladies at The Village Chapel. I like going to the 6 p.m. church service and hanging out with a dozen or two friends afterwards. I like driving to East Nashville on Thursdays for homegroup-a community that has makes me feel at home in this city. I like going to REI and half the staff know me by name. I like to day dream in a field nearby. I like exploring forts and plantations. I like planning. I like going to indie rock concerts and the symphony. I like galas and camp-outs. I like galleries and the jungle. I like weddings and funerals. I like that my siblings are but a phone call, Facebook(r), or Tweet(r) away. I like having time to read, think, and paint. I like having my bike nearby (although I have not ridden it in months). I like making new friends who are more creative and intelligent than I could ever hope to become. I like having a church family. I like wandering around the neighborhood, analyzing architecture and life. I like helping friends for and on their weddings. I like crying with joy when I hear of engagements. I like thinking about and trusting God for the future. I like hiking and creek-stomping with David. I like that my brother responds to 80% of my Tweets(r) with something intelligent and witty. I like that I am learning a lot through the lives of others. I like that I am learning a lot through iTunes U(r) (I had been missing classes with my favorite profs from Belmont so I am ‘taking’ a few classes from UCLA, Yale, Arizona State, Duke, University of Oxford, and MIT to fill this need.) I like that I am currently not excruciatingly focused on a career (what are those, anyway?). I like learning through reading, documentaries, National Geographic/Nova/Planet Earth, and friends about anything from the history of Easter Island to squids to the American Civil War to life during Jesus’ earthly days. I like that I use recycled materials to create art. I like trying to find my favorite type of olive (a hundred or so down, a couple thousand to go…) I like planning for and organizing events, be it a Scrabble night among friends or a benefit concert for orphans in Haiti. I like that my pastor and his lovely wife truly care for the well-being of me and my fellow attendees. I like listening to some of my favorite bands on MySpace(r) whenever I want to without having to buy too much music (for I am broke.) I like being poor in order to rely more on God. I like the processes of trying to figure out what grad school (if any) I ought to attend. I like having “roomie adventures” (and soon to come, “roomie art projects”). I like cleaning my apartment when no one is around and a University of Oxford philosophy class is blaring through my old Mac. I like being a part of a community that knows that I can (and will) talk for hours–days even–if permitted and it is (more-or-less) okay. I like that I can call my Aunt Elizabeth in Arizona on a regular basis without it being awkward (most of my extended family does not stay in-touch with me and vice versa.) I like that God has blessed me with a medley of Mom-like figures in my life throughout the years. I like that my elementary Sunday school teachers not only still love me, but support me in what I do (both now as I live away in Nashville and soon abroad, once again.) I like that I have married friends who not only clearly love each other, but clearly love God and people. I like that I enjoy cooking and that my good friend Laura has assisted me throughout the years in this area of life. I like that I have a countless list of goals for my life (from running a few more marathons to learning how to fly to culinary school to learning basic medical skills for future missions to loving others to starting up another small business to earning a Ph.D. one of these decades to having a successful marriage one day to never stop caring for the loved-less to…)
The point is, I like my life. Very (very) much.
So, why am I putting it on pause, stepping back, and walking away from it?
Why am I getting on a plane at the beginning of January?
Why am I leaving my friends and family?
Why am I leaving the profound comfort of Nashville?
What in the world am I thinking?
It is not me.
It is not the opportunity to travel for nearly a year.
Very simply, it is God. He is calling me; I feel a tug at my heart.
I have felt this tug before. It was a few weeks before I left to minister and serve in Salamanca in September of 2005.
So much has changed since then and I am eternally grateful for it. I would not be the same without that team there (Tiff, Lauren, Tanya, Cody, Christina, Katherine, Jer, Cheryl, Chris, Jesse, and Sophie.)
Which brings me back to my nervousness: I felt a tug from God to go to Spain (even though I did not know anyone or hardly anything about what the next 9 months would entail), despite my nervousness. I was a different person then. I was much more self-centered and I did not know how to make or maintain friends. This all changed with the help of Tiffany, one of my role models and closest friends. She is a shining example of how God calls us to love others regardless of who they are, where they come from, and what they do or do not do. I see Jesus when I see Tiffany. I feel Jesus’ love when I am around Tiffany. Through her (and God, but of course) I began to change to be more like the His Son. I am literally eternally grateful for this.
So…so…so…the point of this is that despite my nervousness about leaving the States 4 years ago, I went. Despite my incompetence, God used and changed me and I will only look back to learn from and reflect from the years of friendlessness pre-En Vivo and Salamanca.
It makes me wonder, how will I look back at my life pre-TWR?
How will I reflect upon the experiences, opportunities, dreams, and friends pre-TWR?
I have a lot of questions (I always do), but I also have a lot of trust in not just a ‘god,’ but the God. The God who knew me before time and the God who is always faithful to His children and to His promises. He promised to never forsake me and regardless of my nervousness, I know that I am neither alone nor am I too far from a love that has no end.
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As a Post Script, I woke up this morning to prep for a walk/talk/discuss women’s Bible study that meets Saturday mornings at Radnor Lake. As I opened my eyes, it was as though a few residual thoughts of my dream stayed to remind me of God’s faithfulness. I saw myself somewhere in Africa, playing with children. Not just any children, but the poorest of the poor and the lovedless. I woke up with a longing to go, serve, and love. I woke up with a renewed strength that God has and will provide for all of my needs and concerns as I attempt to live a faithful life, now in Nashville and soon…soon…4 of the continents.
