Every morning you wake up and think its just another morning. You get up, brush your teeth, work out, shower, whatever, never thinking that today is any different from any other. But sometimes its a day that sneaks up behind you and knocks you to the ground.
I’ve had many days like that, like I’m sure you and everyone else has. Especially since coming home from training camp. Coming home has been bittersweet, because I’m attached to my house and my bed and air-conditioning and my American bathroom/shower, I love love love my family. On the other hand, my heart is LONGING to be with my new family, these crazy brothers and sisters that love me no matter how broken I am, to share in the intimacy and passion in worship that we experience together.
So life has been weird. And before you freak out, I don’t actually hate myself. Sometimes I am frustrated with myself, sometimes I disappoint myself, but I don’t hate myself. However, there is someone who hates me with every bone in his body, (…thats actually not very accurate, because I’m not sure if he has bones since he doesn’t have a physical body, but lets go with it for now.) and there are times when his Voice is in my head and I can’t tell if its my own Voice or not.
He uses all of my weaknesses against me:
- You will never compare to those girls in that advertisement.
- I hate you, how could you be so dumb as to mess that up again?
- You shouldn’t be going on the Race, what kind of arrogance is it to think that you could help someone? You have no idea what they’re going through.
- You definitely aren’t the right person to trust as team treasurer, they only picked you because they feel sorry for you.
- Thats the only reason you have friends! They feel sorry for you!
- YOU are the one who always stands out as the crazy one. Nobody actually likes you, they only pretend to. Yeah, pretend you don’t care, see how well that works for you!
- I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.
All. Day. Long.
Like, I’m pretty confident in myself, but telling myself these things all day took quite the toll.
But there is power in claiming Gods promises over yourself! Something God has been teaching me lately, especially at TC, was how he sees me, and not to let how I see myself influence how I think God sees me. Does that make sense? Pretty much, just because I look at myself and see all the areas I lack in doesn’t mean that is what God sees when He looks at me.
And when my Father looks at me, all he sees is His beautiful daughter.
I have so many stories I could tell you to enforce that, and honestly I’ve debated telling this one to you because it seems so personal, and I don’t want to loose the specialness of it, but this is the one that Papa wants me to share.
On our ‘ladies retreat’, while all the men were off hiking, we stayed at camp and had training and classes. We had just had an intense session, and were given some time to process, journal, to pray, and to ask God what he had for us in this painful area of life. And I was sitting there thinking, ‘I have nothing, God. You’ve protected me from so much, I have nothing to talk to you about.’ Which is true. But instantly, I had this picture in my mind, more of a scene really, of me and a man dancing in a forest meadow. I looked just exactly like I do, but I was beautiful. Dressed in white. And the way this man was looking at me, oh my word. He loved me. Like you know the pictures of guys when they first see their bride walking down the aisle? And the pictures of dads dancing with their little girls? Those pictures had nothing on the way this man looked at me. My Papa loves me. He’s inviting me to dance through life with him, to see myself the way he sees me, cause you know, Jesus died for me and paid all those debts I hold against myself.
I wear a ring on my left hand as a symbol of the commitment I’ve made to pursue Jesus and not men in this chapter of my life.
I wear a ring in my nose as a symbol of the covenant I choose to live in as my Fathers Daughter.
Up there is how God sees me. Thats how he sees you too, if you’re a follower of Jesus, one of us crazy Christ followers. Live life fiercely and boldly, because he doesn’t hold your debts against you anymore!!
