I can't believe good things about myself.
If you walk up to me and shower me with compliments I will smile and say thank you.
I might even comment on how sweet you are.
But as soon as you walk away so will your compliments.
I don't let them past the high walls I have built around my heart.
I have trained my mind to reason why those things could never be true about myself.
My failures will always outweigh any good thing that you throw at me.
In the church I grew up in (I really hate that statement…) it was made very clear that works did not save you. You could do nothing to earn God's grace. He sent his son to die on the cross for a sinner like me. I was undeserving but he did it anyway. Nothing that I could have done could have earned this sacrifice.
However, it was made clear that your works determined what level of Christianity you were on.
Oh, you're a youth leader?
You get an extra jewel in your crown!
You sing in the choir?
Your mansion has been moved a few blocks closer to Gods.
You read your bible everyday and spend an hour in your personal prayer garden?
God must love you the most.
The way in which and how much God loves you is directly proportinate to how much you do for him.
See, I really sucked at the "Christian" living. I screwed it up every chance I got.
I was a youth leader for a little while but I was too "worldly". I was in the youth choir and I was ok. I never got a solo though. And I've never spent an hour praying and I've never gone more than three days in a row (that's probably being generous) reading my bible.
I've carried that mindset with me forever.
Even now I still feel as if I'm lacking in the "heavenly achievments" department.
I've moved into a weird place in my relationship with God.
I believe his truths.
I can and will speak them over anyone any time I get an opportunity.
But I can't believe them for myself.
Since so much of my identity is supposed to be found in who I am in Christ
and since I've totally screwed that relationship up that means I'm a failure, right?
My mind needs to understand what my heart does.
Or maybe my heart needs to understand what my mind does.
I'm not sure yet but both are screaming at me and they are saying completely different things.
Lament – Audrey Assad
I'm Mary and I'm Martha all at the same time;
I'm sitting at His feet and yet I'm dying to be recognized.
I am a picture of contentment and I am dissatisfied.
Why is it easy to work and hard to rest sometimes,
sometimes, sometimes
I'm restless, and I rustle like a thousand tall trees;
I'm twisting and I'm turning in an endless daydream.
You wrestle me at night and I wake in search of You…
but try as I might, I just can't catch You
But I want to, 'cause I need You, yes, I need You
I can't catch You, but I want to.
How long, how long until I'm home?
I'm so tired, so tired of running
How long until You come for me?
How long, how long until I'm home?
I'm so tired, so tired of running
How long until You come for me?
I'm so tired, so tired of running
yeah, I'm so tired, so tired of running
I'm so tired, so tired of running
