Sometimes I wonder if Virginia Woolf slipped under the freezing water of the River Ouse and instantly regretted her decision. I wonder if her lungs burned with anger at herself. I wonder if she hurriedly tried to get the stones out of her pockets. I wonder if she fought against their weight, the weight of her decision to die, the weight of her death.
If I were to choose to kill myself, I would have to choose a different way. A quicker way. Because honestly, I’d probably change my mind about 12 times just in the short walk to the water’s edge. I couldn’t pick a way that would give me any time to think it over more.
What I’m so darkly trying to get at is that I am an indecisive person. Probably the most indecisive person you’ll meet. Whether it be what I want for dinner, what I want to do with my life, or where I want to live for the next year….I just don’t know. I never know. I’ve been this way for(pretty much)ever. When I was in youth I would say over and over again that I didn’t want to go on the youth trips. Then a day before we left, I would decide I wanted to go. When I go to an ice cream shop, I am overwhelmed by the choices. Do I want chocolaty or fruity? Do I want a cone or a bowl? Any important, long-term decision or commitment such as: a lease, a payment plan, a loan, or a puppy TERRIFIES ME! This makes me impulsive and flaky at times, but that’s beside the point.
What this really means is that I usually have to trick myself into making a decision. Much like Ramon on Happy Feet, who had to “accidentally fall” off the cliff to get himself to jump. You have no idea how long I searched for a gif of this scene. No idea.
So when I hadn’t met the deadline to leave in January yet, I started contemplating deferring. I even contemplated not going at all. Would it be so horrible not to leave in January? Would it be so horrible to go on a shorter trip? Would people be mad if I just disappeared to another state and chose not to go anywhere at all? I would sit in the shower, cowering, my tears dissolving into the hot water and then evaporating into steam. I cried to the Lord asking Him how this money would show up in time. Asking Him if I was meant to go on this trip. Asking Him why He would let the WR accept my application if this wasn’t meant for me. Then I started planning the email I would send to my mobilizer. It sounded a lot like a break up email:
“Hey Kayla,
Thank you so much for the support you’ve provided. I have to say though, I don’t think I’m ready for this journey. And I don’t think God thinks so either since I still need $2,400 . . . “
I never wrote that email. Truthfully, when Kayla (my mobilizer) emailed me asking about funding, I completely ignored her (Sorry, bro.). I wasn’t ready to reply. I still wasn’t sure if I even wanted to keep fundraising. I needed God to tell me what to do. I needed to be tricked into making a decision. I felt like I was in middle school again, deciding if I should go on a youth trip. I felt like I was in an ice cream shop with some snot-nosed, under-paid teenager asking if I had made a decision yet. See “indecisive” adj. See “crazy” adj.
On Monday morning I checked my account and it was still at $5,100 (still over $2,000 short of the deadline). I worked, I got lunch, I went to the doctor. I explained to my doctor and a friend that I might not be leaving in January, but that I hopefully was. On Tuesday morning I checked my account and over $1,700 processed overnight (only $653 short of the deadline). I worked, I texted my family, I went home. I explained to my parents that I totally am leaving in January!
I know I’ve brought up this verse before, but in Psalm 37:4 it says that He will give us the desires of our hearts. Sometimes I don’t know what I desire. Sometimes I think my brain and my heart desire completely different things. But God knows me better than I know myself. He knows my heart’s desires and He is prepared to trick me into jumping head-first into them.
Will you jump with me?
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