I had a conversation with God recently that went like this:
I: There are wars going on. Wars in Africa, in Syria, in Ukraine.
Him: I know.
I: And there are diseases! There’s cancer, Ebola is taking lives in Africa, ALS is back on the spectrum of things to care about, there’s Parksinson’s, there’s some new respiratory infection….
Him: I know.
I: And there are injustices, even in “the land of the free”. There are war zones in cities. Nine year olds are shot for no reason. People are persecuted here, and there. People are persecuted everywhere because of their age, gender, sexuality, religion, job, because they are a person it seems.
Him: I know.
I: And there are people who hurt others over and over again, there are people who are breaking apart families, and friendships, and who are abusive and manipulative. There are people who hate each other like hate is the only emotion that a human should be capable of.
Him: I know.
I: And…and there are people who despise themselves. People who hate themselves so much that they hurt themselves and they fantasize about not being alive anymore. People who stare blankly at the wall and beg for their heart to stop beating in their chest and for their lungs to stop inflating.
Him: I know.
I: And all of these things. All of these people. Everything would just be so much better if these people knew how much You love them. If people knew how You saw them. If they knew that they are already everything they need to be. If they knew that they could have a life that is overflowing. If they even had an infinitesimal glance at Your grace…
Him: I know.
I: *frustrated sobs*
Him: I love you. You are enough. You are not called to change the world. You are not called to cure cancer. You are not called to end the wars of this world. You are not called to eradicate hate in the hearts of man or to repair broken families. You are not called to catch someone teetering on the edge of a very high slope or to bind up the wounds on hearts and wrists. These are My jobs. You, my child, are called to love. Some days you are better at it than others. But you are still learning. You are called to love in all you do. Love intentionally. Live intentionally.
I’ve been so overwhelmed lately. And I haven’t even been that busy. My heart has been overwhelmed, my brain has been overwhelmed, and my soul has been overwhelmed. And when this happens, I clam up. I haven’t wanted to talk about the race, about the state of this world, about my family, about my relationship with God, about politics, or about life in general with anyone. I’ve been quiet with my family around the house. I’ve been quiet with my best friend and avoided serious conversation. I’ve avoided speaking with my squad and avoided our zoom chats. I’ve even avoided quiet time with God. Church, a daily Bible verse, and a three-minute prayer each night is enough right?
I’ve been keeping myself busy. I’ve been working out, grocery shopping, Netflix watching, cooking, loading/unloading the dishwasher, laundry, cleaning my room, actually working at work…. It’s all filler and fluff when I know I need to talk to Him and I know I need to let Him in and tinker around with some things. I’m like that wife who is bored with her marriage and still expects her husband to bring her flowers every night. Except this “husband” grows me fields of flowers, and I’ve locked him out of the house. Because I don’t want to feel these great and terrible and beautiful feelings of compassion and love and patience and kindness and vulnerability and freedom. Why? I don’t know! Leave me alone…..but please don’t go away.
So I’m like… really bad at feelings. I suck at gooey stuff. Because feelings mean vulnerability. At least for some reason that’s what my brain thinks. AND I HATE CRYING. I don’t even know where this all came from because my mom is such an emotional person (not in a bad way) and my dad cries all the time in sad or gooey movies. And my family and friends have always supported my feelings and emotions and let me know it’s okay and that they should be expressed, but somehow I have gotten “emotion” mixed up with “weakness”. And this is just not true. God is anything but weak and his emotional spectrum is beyond what we can even slightly comprehend. And yet here I am… about to explode like a 2-liter of diet coke with a crap ton of Mentos inside.
I’ve come to realize that I must get used to these feelings. And I must learn that bottling these feelings up or building walls around them will only make things worse. I’ve been avoiding conversation about the race because I know things will get messy and they already have. I’ll be hacking up a ton of junk I haven’t wanted to address or deal with in order to heal. Just like an infected wound that’s healed over, you have to let God rip some bloody, messy stuff out sometimes, and the process is made easier by communicating with others.
I signed up for the race for this very purpose. I had become stagnant, and I knew God wanted me to do something. I had become bored with my marriage and not because He wasn’t loving me enough or doing things to pursue me, but because I wasn’t doing anything to let Him in and to let Him love me and shape me as He sees fit. Draw near to Him and He’ll draw near to you, right? (James 4:8) I had begun to bottle the stagnant water and hold it in, pretending not to care. I signed up for the race, knowing that it would break down all of these barriers, shattering the bottles and nice compartments I had put everything in, making one, huge, beautiful mess that would ultimately have me coming out on the other end a messy and slightly better human. But now that these changes have started….I’m scared and desperately trying to get the icky feelings back in (because, ewww gross! VULNERABILITY!!!) And I think(hope) it’s not just me who does this.
Stagnant water looks so serene from afar, but the second you get close to it, you can smell it. The minute that follows the smell, you can tell it’s poisonous. All the fish have died and bloated to the surface. Any animal that tried to drink from it is probably floating in there too. Mosquitoes have made it their new home for their larva. This water looks fine, but you will die if you drink it. People are like this too. Usually when my life is completely together, my insides are not. Likewise, the most well-put-together person probably has an ache inside that isn’t being attended to. This is what happens when Christians become lukewarm. The outside becomes more important than the inside and God finds this disgusting. (Revelation 3:16)
Recently in a conversation with a squad mate (shout out to Kyla) I said this:
“As Christians we become so stagnant, just doing things without any motive or intention and when someone asks if we love Jesus, we say “yes”. But stagnant water is poisonous. We must live INTENTIONALLY through our actions, words, and thoughts. We must let the Holy Spirit talk us into doing things that we think we don’t want to do, things we know will be hard, things that at first won’t seem enjoyable, but that are so rewarding once we finally say “yes” and begin.”
I’m really good at saying things….I’m not so good at doing the things I say (obviously). Because what God has been telling me to do lately, is to let it all out. And be okay with my feelings. And be okay with vulnerability. What God has been telling me to do lately is to look at others through His eyes. To see them with compassion and with so much ooey gooey love. To want to shower them in so much grace and light (I’m gagging on my own hippie feels). I am to see them as blameless and beautiful and in need of the love that I have (this goes for boys, girls, family, friends, co workers, strangers, ISIS). What God has been telling me to do lately is to not only let these feelings wash over me, but to embrace them, and channel them back out into the world. Today, next week, and next year while I’m actually on the other side of this world.
When you love something a lot, it can hurt and it can get messy. God loved His people so much and He knew the biggest, ugliest mess was the only way to save us, and He still sent Jesus. He loved us so much it hurt. He still loves us so much it hurts. He still cries and groans for us. (Romans 8:26) So when I say that I hurt for this world, I say it because the Spirit is within me and showing me daily how to love this world like He does. When I say that I must live intentionally, I say it because the Spirit is within me and showing me daily how to live in this world like He does.
So let’s shake the bottle, take the cap off, and make a mess.
Will you join me?
1. Pray for my squad mates and I.
– Pray for the walls we have tried/are trying to build around our hearts.
– Pray for our funding.
– Pray for our safety.
2. Pray about your own “feels” and the walls you have tried to build around your own heart.
– I promise you, they don’t belong there.
3. Pray for those you know that are hurting others or themselves.
4. Pray for those who are being hurt.
5. Pray for our country, pray for our world.
– God didn’t make those borders or draw that map.
– He created the whole thing and loves the whole thing, so should we.
6. Watch this slow-mo video of Diet Coke and Mentos.
– It explains the chemical reaction and it’s probably the coolest thing I’ve seen all day.
7. If you got the title reference and finished the Wayne’s World quote you deserve all the high-fives.
– **bonus points if you held up an invisible dixie cup**
