Something I’m realizing about myself is that when things get hard, I draw back. I shut down and peace out.
You might have noticed that I haven’t written many blogs recently. That’s because things, on the world race, got uncomfortable the past few months and I decided not to deal with it.
But there was more than that. I decided not to share it. Which is quite possibly one of the worst things you can do.
These past couple months have been a whirlwind of change.
We had team switches. We celebrated Christmas away from our families. Then our alumni squad leaders went home. Now my team is doing Unsung Heroes, which is completely different than any other month we have experienced. And soon, we will completely switch continents, with new people, new culture and new everything.
Now normally I thrive on change. I can’t wait to pick up and move. Experience something different. Something thrilling.
But this time is different.
The past couple of months I have felt more lonely than I have felt the entire time on the race. I can hear the enemy sneakily putting lies in my head.
You’re not good enough.
Why are you here?
You’re not valuable to this team or squad.
No one cares about you.
But through all of that mess, I experienced God in a way I never had before.
I could feel His presence.
He held me tight and told me that I am good enough. That I am here because He brought me here. That I am more valuable than I will ever know. And that He cares more deeply for me than I can humanly imagine.
A little while back, I was sitting in a Cambodian church service where they spoke no English the entire time. Instead of productively reading my bible, the enemy snuck his little obnoxious voice in and instead I dwelled on the loneliness I had been feeling. I fell into self pity and doubt.
But a few minutes later, some of the church members performed the “Everything” Lifehouse skit. You know the one? Where a girl is constantly tempted by Satan. She struggles back and fort until finally she chooses Jesus and we watch as Jesus fights for her. He destroys Satan. And then the last scene. Oh boy, that last scene.
That’s where it hit me.
Jesus takes the girl, his daughter, by the hand and dances with her.
In that moment, I thought…
This is it. Jesus is fighting for me, despite my insecurities, my doubt and self pity. I don’t have to feel alone because He is right here and always has been. And He wants me to dance with Him in His victory.
Instead of negatively dwelling on the changes that have occurred, I got to choose into joy.
And in that moment, I got to be the girl who chose away from temptation and sin.
In that moment, I got to dance with my Maker.
