Yes, in one week, I will not only be stateside but sitting in my parents home, hopefully resting and enjoying the company of my little brothers. The two guys I’ve missed the most since being out in this big, beautiful world. I’m coming home and closing out this season of life this next week as my squad heads to our final debrief and then home. While I’m excited to see my brothers and enjoy a few of the comforts of America, my heart is breaking as I think about the end. When I think about how I will never have a season like the World Race again, with my people – my squad. I wanted to write a little suuuuper “feely” blog about where I’m at, as a lot of questions have been asked as I prepare to return to KC for a while.
I officially cracked this evening laying in bed trying to sleep. I saw that I got a message from someone I had the privilege of meeting back in my second day on the race in a little town outside of Opovo, Serbia. I had the honor of working along side this woman for my first month of the race. This was the start of realizing that this journey was going to be jam packed FULL of beautiful people that I would eventually have to say goodbye to. Anyway, this beautiful friend shared this message with my first team.
“Beautiful beautiful girls. I wanted to tell you just how proud and privileged i feel to have had the chance to meet each and every one of you. I loved seeing (through your blogs, photos and insta stories – in a very non creepy way) just how amazing the changes that the Lord did in all of you are.You will always hold such an important place in my heart. I miss you all and i just love love love seeing how he was faithful in the beautiful things as much as in the hard times.”
*I, Hannah, send out 8 ‘SOS pray for my breaking heart please’ texts to sweet friends and family*
So buckle up, as I attempt to only cratch the surface when it comes to my thoughts currently.
(in no particular order)
I’m asking for grace, a whole lote of grace.
- It’s Friday night at 11:00 pm in Danang, Vietnam. I’m sitting curled up in a dark hotel room trying desperately to type as quietly as possible, my sweet roommate is asleep and I want to keep it that way! Tonight was our last official night of world race ministry and I’ve been limping my way along, rocking a serious emotional funk for about a week. Tomorrow I fly to HCMC and start our final debrief with my sweet squad, my beautiful new family and tribe. I’m sad and mourning this transition, and that’s ok. I’m learning that we all process transitions differently. Some of my teammates are STOKED to come home and I get to join them in their joy and celebration. But, it’s also ok that I’m sad and I get to be loved on by them and be understood with empathetic hearts. I’m asking for grace in this season of mourning. I have been living out of a backpack, in 24/7 community, stepping further out of my comfort zone on a daily basis, seeing the hurt in this world in the most innocent eyes, seeing true beauty and joy unmeasurable, experiencing more of Jesus than I ever have before.
Ending things has never been an easy thing for me.
- I have always been the kid at the end of the school year or after summer camp to cry my whole way home and for a while after. I have always felt the gravity of something never being the same. It’s something I am quite sensitive to and to be honest it’s been something I have been dreading for quite some time now when thinking of this season ending. I don’t feel ready, but then I’m pretty sure I never would be ready.
I have seen more of Heaven these past 11 months than I ever have before.
- I’m not saying that this is coming to an end by any means. I’m saying that as I have been away, my heart has been captured in a way I never thought possible. Captured by God’s all-encompassing love and how it falls on all things. Experiencing His love in others across the world in broken places. Meeting people I know I’ll see again in heaven someday (speaking a language we both understand HALLELUJAH).
- I vividly remember one of our hosts in Romania whispering in my ear when we were saying our goodbyes, “if not again here, heaven.” You guys it hit me so hard. I remember fighting tears as we loaded up in the van and headed back to our home for the month.
The thought of America overwhelms me greatly.
- A few weeks ago we were invited to an international church. (Always, ALWAYS, such an honor to attend when abroad.) After worship and the service there was a potluck! As the congregation started mingling, a teammate and I began talking to each other when I soon became overwhelmed by the amount of English-speakers that were in that room. Over half of the people in the room were speaking English. I wasn’t able to focus on my teammates’ conversations and I remember just standing, completely overwhelmed by the noise. This time, it wasn’t white noise of one of the 20+ languages I have experienced while on the race, but the language of my homeland, one I could understand. I remember that moment feeling the gravity of reverse-culture-shock and ever since then, mourning the small mundane things that I have become accustomed to while on the race. Things that would never happen back home.
I CANNOT WAIT TO DRIVE.
- I haven’t driven in 11 months. Nope – nothing: not a moped, not a bike, not a car, not a tuk tuk, not a taxi. Nothing. Do what you want with this information.
I’m car-less!
- I sold my beloved Jean Ralphio before the race. It was much-needed. However now, I am starting the search for a car. If you know of anyone sitting on a car they don’t need for a short season or are selling a car at a price appealing to someone who hasn’t made a dime in a year… Let me know!
Assume I will say yes!
- I’m kind of stealing this from another blog, but it resonated with me so much that I just have to add it here. Sometimes, when I have friends getting back from time abroad I assume they will be too busy catching up with other family and friends and that I shouldn’t bother them. WRONG-O. Please. I’m challenging myself to say yes 90% of the time when Im asked to hang out or join people somewhere. As I know I’m overwhelmed with the thought of returning home, I’m sure staying in will be easier for me than agreeing to head out. BUT I’m wanting to be proactive and kind of put this out there for accountability. Let’s grab a coffee or a meal together in KC. Or if you’re out of state, let’s set up a FaceTime. I’m leaving one of the most beautiful communities I have ever experienced and I’ll be quite lonely upon my arrival in KC. Please ask me to hang out, this is me politely asking if we can be friends? LMK
Awakening – Switchfoot
- This is probably cheesy but it’s raging in my thoughts so hear’s a story for ya. I used to listen to a song by Switchfoot back in my youth when I thought I would always bee too sick and unable to participate in one of my biggest dreams, mission work. Fast forward… I remember doing one of my tasks in Serbia, our month 1. I was listening to my iPod, yes iPod, not iPhone, on shuffle and Awakening came on. It was this full circle moment that has been one of my most favorite memories of the Lord’s faithfullness and promise. So yes, I have been listening to that song on repeat while I type out this blog, maybe shedding a tear or two. I’ll never tell.
- Go ahead and give this song a listen for the remainder of the blog.
I’m beyond thankful for friends who remind me of the faithfullness of the Lord in seasons where it’s hard to remember.
- I got this message from sweet Emily Dashner, a former Tov and current Summitter after hearing about my breaking heart… “The Lord’s timing is perfect. Even when we don’t feel ready to be done. But good thing we aren’t done – we’ve tasted and we’ve seen the goodness of the Lord. It doesn’t begin or end with the WR.”
So yes, I maybe don’t feel like Im ready to head home. Or maybe I don’t feel ready to say goodbye to this sweet family of mine. But can we PRAISE HIM with a song that He works so outside of our feelings and that HIS timing is perfect. One more time for further importance, HIS timing is perfect.
“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.”
??Ecclesiastes? ?3:1-8? ?ESV??
See you soon, America, see you real soon.
