Bare with me, this is probably going to be one of my longer and will absolutely my most vulnerable blog to date. So cozy up and have your gasps and raised eyebrows and probably a few tissues ready as you prepare to take a peek into the inner workings of Hannah Bethany Reynolds’s brain. (Oh boy)
HERE WE GO
If there is one thing I have learned while being on the World Race, it’s this… I am so inadequate. I, Hannah Bethany Reynolds, am so unequipped to do anything well in my own strength. Everything I have tried to do in my own flesh, has failed completely.
Living in community has been such a messy gift this past year. Community creates room for you to be encouraged. Encouraged in your giftings and encouraged to reflect on your blind spots when they are brought to your attention.
This isn’t going to be a blog about my blind spots, although let me assure you I do have them and welcome any and all feedback that brings these areas to light encouraging me to look more like Christ. This is going to be a blog about what I believe is a gifting of mine. A blog like this, one sharing something that I am good at or something I believe to be in my power house is hard to type out and be confident in, but gosh darn it, I’m going to try. Which, can I go on a tangent for a hot sec? Why is so hard for us to recognize a gift that The Lord has given us and to talk about it? It’s not us glorifying us, it’s us glorifying The Lord’s redemption in us. Taking us, broken sinners, and making something beautiful and light-bringing for His glory. Anyway, just a thought, mainly to myself in hopes of finding confidence to go forward with this blog.
The gifting that has been encouraged in me while being on the race is how well I see people, how I nurture them, and love them well right where they’re at. Just call me mama Hannah, I weirdly love it. You see, for as long as I can remember, I have longed to be a mom. Yes, you heard it here first folks, I Hannah Bethany Reynolds cannot wait to hold a babe in my arms and to know that they are mine to love and care for until my last breath. However if you know me, this probably won’t come to a surprise to you. With making a living caring for some of my sweetest babes over the years (nannying) and truly loving it, nurturing and loving is something I love to do.
Want to hear a story of little ornery Hannah? When Jackson was born I was almost 6 years old. I remember just wanting to hold him ALL the time. My mom would turn the TV on for me in the morning and lay my little immobile few week old Jackie boy down on a baby blanket and ask me to keep an eye on him but to not pick him up while she hopped in the shower. Yes mom! Well friends, I disobeyed…. I would slowly scoot over to my sweet hunk of love brother and as soon as I heard the shower run, I would put one hand under his head, and the other under his tiny bum and lift him a few inches off the ground, I just had to HOLD him! I would do this over and over again until I heard the shower stop running or until Jackson started to fuss, which he never did, he loved it. Anyway, I share this story because ever since then I remember having this deep desire and longing to be a mom.
As I grew up, this desire didn’t fade however I realized that when people ask you what you want to be when you’re in middle school a “mom” isn’t an answer that brings a lot of excitement or pats on the back in encouragement. So my answer grew to a nurse, teacher, etc. But, that desire never went away; I always wanted to be a mom.
I had my first babysitting gig in middle school, a set of 8-month-old twins and their slightly older sister. I helped out a mom of triplets who lived a few doors down for a few years when she needed help. I started teaching private swimming lessons when I was 15, paring teaching with creating a safe place for children to walk out of fear and into confidence is still something I am passionate about. My first job outside of j.crew and kate spade was as a nanny for twins where I had the privilege to care for and love on for almost two years. Then I started nannying a sweet baby girl in the season leading up to leaving for the World Race. There are countless families who have trusted me with their children for a rare date night or overnight business trip that I have had the honor of caring for while they were away, too many to name quite frankly. I say all of this to not to brag but to prove my love for caring and nurturing.
While being on the race I have held and prayed over some sweet babies, some feisty toddlers, and taken care of some of my teammates while they battled migraines, carsickness, bronchitis, a broken foot, and the ever so lovely parasite.
I love caring for people.
Don’t tell me you’re sorry while I scratch your back and put a cold rag on your neck, just let me love you. In fact I have said that same sentence while taking care of my friends, “just let me love you, ok?” It’s how I love, it’s something I love to do, it’s something I’m good at. I believe it’s a gifting, a gifting given to me by The Lord. I believe I was created for many things and that nurturing and loving others is one of them.
Some feedback that I have frequently received is that I care for and love people well. It was weird for me to accept at first because I honestly thought it was a gift that everyone was capable of having. But, it’s not, and that’s ok! They have giftings that aren’t in my powerhouse. That’s the sheer beauty of living in community and being a part of the body of Christ! I used to think that being a mom – that this gifting of nurturing – wasn’t a powerful gift or one that should be celebrated.
Hello,
1 Corinthians 12:18
“But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, yet one body.”
The Lord has spoken dreams into my heart while being on the race that pertain to my gifting of nurturing and loving well. Things that excite me and make me a weepy mess that He would potentially entrust me with the job of what I believe He has called me to trust him in. But, they are a little too near and dear to my heart to share just yet but know that they require a nurturing and loving spirit.
Like I mentioned above, something that I have learned on the race is how unequipped I am to do things well in my own strength. Boy has this been a messy lesson to learn. In some areas it’s been easy, like patience. Whoa buddy, drawing on the Lord’s patience and peace is one in which I’m quick to call out for help. Or in boldness and confidence. But there has been one area that I didn’t even realize I was operating out of more self than more Christ and friends; it was in the area of nurturing and loving those around me. That was until this month, month 9 of the race.
This month we have had the HONOR and PRIVELEDGE of spending our days laughing, loving, and being with girls whose parents either can’t or don’t want to care for them full-time. You would think this would create a lot of hurt in the girls and while I’m sure it’s definitely there, I have experienced an atmosphere of joy and love here on the grounds of this beautiful place that I have NEVER experienced before.
As I mentioned in my last blog, having to draw on the steadfast love of the Lord is something I have had to soak up in my time here at Sending Hope. These girls deserve so much love, so much that I am literally incapable of creating or thinking up such love. There is one girl in particular that has completely captured my heart. Let’s call her Hope. You know what they say, give equal attention, equal love, equal everything to all girls and, you guys, I truly think I did a good job of doing this in my time here. However, Hope and I had an undeniable connection. After hearing more of her story my heart was a lump in my throat and the majority of the time it overwhelmed me.
I couldn’t.
My heart was shattered with a different love, one I have never experienced – not once. And guys, I have loved and do love a lot of people, but Hope captured my heart, so much that even just thinking of her and saying her name make my eyes blurry with this overwhelming love.
After meeting Hope and having her capture my heart, I started praying that The Lord would protect my heart. For a few days I had the audacity to pray protection over my heart. Over those days I was a little more withdrawn and was struggling in a major way of knowing how to love while protecting myself knowing that my departure was closer after every goodnight hug. A few days after praying this tiring prayer I was restless and frustrated.
“God, I LOVE her. I LOVE her with a love that is so outside of me! I’m sorry I have been asking for protection, Father I don’t know what I’m doing, How do I love her well?!”
Friends, immediately the song lyric, “break my heart for what breaks yours, everything I am for your Kingdom come, as I walk from earth into eternity.” Came into my mind.
Cue all the ugly tears.
Boy was my heart breaking in a way that I had never experienced. What a beautiful lesson for me to learn in this Easter season. The time where we remember the GREAT love our Lord has for us, the GREAT sacrificial love that fills my eyes with tears even as I type this. A lesson on love.
I had to say goodbye to Hope a few days ago and let me tell you, it was the hardest most painful thing I have ever experienced. The girls have to return home once a year in order to stay here at Sending Hope International and to stay enrolled in their school. They have to renew their documentation, and in order to do this; they have to go with a guardian. Some girls are excited to go with their parents, and some will deeply miss their sisters they do life with here. I’m sure it’s a bitter-sweet few weeks for them away. I knew that Hope’s parents could show up at anytime and that time came early in the morning while I was heating water for my instant coffee. Friends, the pain I felt in my heart as I refused consolation from my team in hopes of keeping my eyes dry and voice strong to say one final goodbye is something I’m sure was a reflection of The Father’s heart breaking. Earlier in the week I started praying joy for Hope, that she would show joy and excitement when her parents arrived; the Lord was good to deliver. Hope was excited to see her family and I’m so thankful for that. As I watched her running around packing things up I waited until she was headed for her parents’ truck until I walked out to her.
“Hope! Can I have a hug?” she happily ran over to me, hugging my waist and looking up into my eyes, “I love you, Banana,” she said in a sturdy and calm voice. “I love you, Hope, hold tight to Jesus, I’m so happy you know His love.” She held on tight a few extra seconds, kissed my stomach and turned to get in the truck. I slowly turned around and called my mom and cried the most painful gut-wrenching tears I had, reaching out to a mother who surely has experienced such love.
I don’t know what The Lord has for Hope, but I know I will never forget her and how the Lord whispered so gently of love to me through her. I know I will think of her frequently and will never forget the feeling of her hand in mine, or how she would call me ‘Banana’ and make me chase her for our nightly hugs. I will never forget Hope and my heart aches when I think of never having the chance to see her again.
I will never forget how insignificant my own love for her is and how much more love for her The Father has and how I was able to be a vessel of his love in the sweetest few weeks of my life. I will never forget this sweet soul, my friends.
I will never forget my love for Hope and how I was reminded of my giftings of nurturing and how it isn’t something that I’m good at on my own, but how it’s a gift from the Lord alone – he’s the only one who has equipped me to love so fully.
All of this to say, I cannot wait to be a mom. I cannot wait to hold a child like Hope and to know that they are mine. I cannot wait. I’m 25, single, and have no idea when I will be able to have a family of my own but I’m so thankful for the people The Lord has allowed and entrusted me to nurture and love with His never-ending, heart-breaking, and steadfast love right now.
