At Launch in September, right before we left, we had multiple sessions a day; great teachings, life lessons learned, lots of new thoughts. It was overwhelming actually.
One thing I learned was that I am an experiential. All that means is I experience God through worship. That is how I get filled. It is different for other people, some people experience God through nature. You can get filled through acts of service or relating with people, you can experience him through learning and studying his word, and yet for others it is just sitting and being with God. It is okay to be more than one and over the next 11 months they challenged us to try other ways to connect with God.
In one ear and out the other for me.
It wasn’t until at debrief that I realized that I don’t feel close to God. Even throughout Costa Rica, looking back I couldn’t see God changing my life. So where was He? Was He even around as I played with those kids and shoveled dirt for hours? I started trying to figure out why that was. Instantly my thought was I did something wrong. Why would he be silent unless he was punishing me for something. I am currently reading a book by Dan Armstrong called “Following the Still Small Voice”. In it he is talking about a warped view of God most of us have. He says “We live in a state where we “think” God is mad at us for all our mistakes. We “feel” like we could never be what He is expecting, so we “desire” to hide from Him. We “feel” afraid that everything we love will be removed from us as punishment for being so bad”.
Those are all emotions we have. And they are false.
I realized my relationship with God is and always has been, based on my feelings and own emotions. If I go to a conference or worship session I am on cloud nine with God. I feel him, I hear him, all is well. Those times when I cannot feel God or do not hear his voice I assume he is gone, he got tired of me and has moved on to hang out with someone else. My life with God was run by spiritual highs and spiritual lows.
When I was processing this I realized I have not had a spiritual high since I signed up for the race. I don’t think this was a coincidence.
When preparing for Training Camp I was expecting God to break me. I wanted him to absolutely wreak me. I wanted him to call me out and show me all the ways I was doing things wrong. This has happened before at huge youth conferences or mega churches. God convicts me and for maybe a week I feel like I am walking out my life right beside God. But then the feelings die and life goes on as it always has. Without even realizing it, my life had become a journey to catch the next spiritual high. Instead of finding God where I was, I spent my time thinking of what I could do to feel him in that way again. Why not go on a mission trip and spend a year serving him!? He will definitely talk to me then!
Training Camp came and went, the brokenness never happened. I felt called to this trip. All the pieces were falling into place. I learned so much about God and His character at Training Camp. The worship was amazing the teachings were so good. On the third or fourth day when I finally started listening, he showed me things in my life he was calling my higher in. But it was not as “powerful” as I wanted.
Launch happened. God was there and moving and the peace I was filled with could come from no one but God. Looking back I see that. But at the time I was distracted. I was up getting prayed for and prophesied over. I wanted to feel him! I wanted more than anything to fill his overwhelming presence. I was praying for awareness all the while letting him pass by me.
Then month one. Jaco, Costa Rica. My month in Jaco was absolutely amazing. I saw God move in the activities we did and the people we met and I had dug into my bible like I never had before. I started making healthy habits. I said more than anything I wanted a deeper relationship with Him. But looking back I didn’t feel like he was around. I was reading my bible but some days it felt like a chore. I thought I couldn’t feel him.
God was silent. And he had taken away my spiritual highs. Doubts started forming. Was I even supposed to be on this trip? I felt lost, and my feelings were hurt.
But…
Feelings are cheats.
Feelings are deceiving.
Feelings are a good thermometer, not a good compass.
And feelings should not define my relationship with God.
Since debrief I am trying to learn what a relationship looks like with open communication. I want to talk to God but I am also going to listen what he has to say. And if He has nothing to say I am learning how to be comfortable in his silence. Wow. That is so much easier said than done. This month has been hard because of it being all squad month and the constant distractions and FOMO (the fear of missing out).
It comes down to it being a choice. I am doing awesome things on this trip. I trust God and his word. But I need to make a choice everyday to make time to be with him. I need to pursue him instead of waiting on him to show up. That is a one-sided relationship and I don’t want that anymore.
I want to get in the mindset that worship is more than him revealing himself to me, it is about singing my heart out because God loves to hear my voice.
Instead of being frustrated when my quiet time seemed pointless, I want to remember God loves spending time with me and enjoys the fact I take time out of my day for him.
When I read my bible I don’t want it to be what did I get out of it, it’s what did what I read show me about God’s heart?
So that is what my constant prayer is turning into for this race. Take me deeper Lord, because I know that is your will and there is more to you than I now know.
