The
beginning of May, while at our squad’s debrief in Cambodia, Lindsay,
Allan, and myself were ‘released’ by AIM staff from squad leading.
So, I
am officially no longer a squad leader.
I
have been released.
weird. Really weird. On May 7th,
Lindsay and I parted ways with E Squad and our 3rd
partner in crime, Allan. Leaving the squad in Cambodia was emotional
and difficult. Yet, I felt that it was time to go. I felt a release
of the past season and readiness to step into the next. The Lord has
been preparing me for this transition I now find myself in. It feels
weird to no longer have 40 people to shepherd, push, challenge, and
see grow, walking alongside me. But it also feels right. The new
squad leaders we raised up are exactly who God wants and who the
squad needs. And because of that, I am ready to move forward. I am
ready to let go. The past 4 months have been an incredible blessing
in my life. Leading E Squad has grown me and solidified my identity
in Christ in more ways then I can state. It has brought me to a
place of greater dependency on the Lord. Its been stretching and
fun; its been joyous and exhausting; it’s been filled with love and
tears; it’s been worth it.
have come to realize something this time around: I don’t do well
with change. Let me re-phrase that. I don’t do well with change
regarding
relationships.
Does that make sense? I can country hop, constantly be living out
of a backpack, changing my wardrobe, going to new ministry sites,
trying new food- no problem. But, when it comes to a relationship in
my life changing for whatever reason, that is where I struggle. Our
final month in Thailand, God brought me through an incredibly hard
grieving process for the people of E Squad. Daily I was reminded of
someone I would miss, a relationship that would no longer be constant
in my life, a person whose laugh I wouldn’t hear for months. And I
would cry. I seriously cried almost daily during our 3 weeks in
Thailand. Each time I saw the new squad leaders, Jamie, Leah and
Joshua, encouraging a member of the squad, making a decision regarding
my people, loving those I have come to love, I would burst into
tears. Sometimes it lasted only 5 seconds, sometimes longer.
Through
grieving the people I would be leaving, I also realized that I needed
to grieve the role I had been walking in the past 4 months. As soon
as we raised up Jamie, Leah, and Joshua, I suddenly felt purposeless.
I had to let go of being a squad leader. This meant letting go of
being the one who people turned to with questions, the one who made
decisions, who the Lord gave vision to for the group. This meant
letting go of the unique authority God had given to Allan, Lindsay,
and myself, the authority we had been carrying and walking in since
October, when we stood in front of E Squad at training camp. I
remember being so completely terrified as I stood up and shared my
heart with them for the first time! Squad leading freaked me out.
And now, here I was, terrified of letting go of what had terrified me
so many months before. I had began to put a piece of my identity
into this group of people, into my role as their fun, joyful, crazy,
sequence jacket wearing leader. No wonder it was time for me to let
go and get out of the way! It was just as much for me, as it was for
them. No longer can I slip into defining myself as a squad leader-
that weight and authority has been given to others. I am released
from that burden. Now, I am once again brought back to the core of
who I really am: Hannah Joy, daughter of the most High King, loved
and treasured by my Creator, my Abba, the Bride of Christ, part of
the His body here on earth.
And
Allan, Lindsay, and I leaving means greater things for E Squad.
There are things that God wants to do in them that He won’t use us
for. And I am good with that. In fact, I now find delight in that!
I am eagerly awaiting month 8 debrief, when I get to see E Squad’s
smiling faces again, and I get to see the transforming work He has
done! Somewhere in the past 4 months, John 16: 7-8 was brought to my
attention; “Nevertheless, I tell you the truth: it is to your
advantage that I go away, for if I do not go away, the Helper will
not come to you. But if I go, I will send him to you.� (ESV) Jesus
tells His disciples that it’s better for him to go, in order for the
Holy Spirit to come. Now, I am not trying to compare Allan, Lindsay,
and myself to Jesus, but the concept is the same. It is better for
us to go, to have gone, in order for whatever is coming, to come.
I
am thankful for the past months but I am also thankful for this
release, for the next season to roll on in, both in my journey and E
Squad’s journey. Bring it on, God! We are ready and willing!
The final group photo with E Squad in Cambodia! (minus Joe and Tatum, our logistics team, I think they were eating breakfast)
All 6 Squad Leaders, Old and New (L to R): Lindsay, Allan, Me, Jamie, Joshua, Leah
