Before I left for Uganda I had a desire to see BIG things happen. I wanted to see the lame walk, the blind have sight, the dead raised. I wanted to SEE with my eyes a “miracle.” And I believed I would. Every chance I had I prayed healing over someone- for a headache, a twisted ankle, a cut on a hand, anyone I felt prompted to pray healing over. And nothing happened. I began to doubt. Not God, but myself. What has wrong with me? Why was nothing happening? Did I not have enough faith? I began reading through Matthew and there is just story after story of healing in that book. Every chapter someone getting healed or set free. what was I doing wrong? I asked God numerous times what I needed to change. Jesus tells many people that its because of their faith, they were healed. Did I not have enough faith? Were my motives wrong? But no matter what I asked or did or believed, my results were the same: no miraculous healings to report. I was frustrated and gave up. I guess I just wasn’t meant to see a miracle.
Part way through the summer, while with the team in Kyampisi/Kampala, I received a phone call. Two girls on the Lira team had an incredible story they wanted to share with me. While visiting with people in the local community the girls had come across a group of women. As they were talking, a man came towards them. They tried to speak to him but found out it was a lost cause: he was deaf. After a few minutes one girl felt that she needed to pray for healing over this man. And with the encouragement and support of her teammate, she did just that. She prayed and they asked the man if he could hear. He began to form words with his mouth but nothing came out. They prayed again and this time during the prayer, he began to say the name of Jesus. By the time they had finished praying the man was hearing!
After I hung up the phone, I felt two conflicting things: Complete joy and excitement for what God had done and complete jealousy and frustration that I hadn’t been there for it. Once again I asked God, why not me? This is how the rest of the summer seemed to go. Every time a “cool” story would happen, I would not be present for it. And each time, I felt those same conflicting feelings: joy and jealousy. But, I kept believing “my time was coming.” Well, it never did. And no matter how many times I prayed, I never got any answers on why I wasn’t seeing these things….when would I get to see God move in that way….what was I doing wrong, was I doing something wrong….
As I write this I don’t really have much of a conclusion. I still don’t have answers. But, I still believe that God can heal, that He DOES heal. Faith is the hope in the unseen…..Its believing without seeing….and maybe that’s what God wanted from me this summer- to believe that He moves even when I don’t see it, even when all I see is Him not healing or setting someone free. Maybe He was showing me that there is more then the physical world around me and that a physical healing is not what is going to change this world. Maybe I do at times base my relationship with God on what I SEE happening, instead of who God is, who He says I am, what He has promised, and His unconditional love for me.
Well, those are my faith thoughts for now…..
