Okay, so here is the imaginary situation:
I have been given $100. I am told to go to Target and buy anything I want. I am pumped! What an awesome opportunity! I could get almost anything in the world! But when I get to Target there is absolutely nothing I want to spend my $100 on. Nothing seems worth it to me. There are a bunch of things that are cool, but I just don’t want them bad enough to actually buy them. I realize that I may not know if I want something because I never tried it. But I am still left standing in Target wondering, do I spend the money on something cool or useful or fun but not something I really desperately want, or do I wait until I find something worth spending my money on?
(Colleen and myself with like 40,000 Kenyan Shillings)
Are you following my thought process?
Okay, let me put it another way. I don’t know what to do with life! Or with the next 5 months of my life! Opportunities are presenting itself, in some ways I feel like I could go anywhere and do anything, but I just can’t seem to find the thing I am hoping for. There are people I love all across the USA and Canada and I know that I could call almost anyone of them up and say “hey, I am moving in with you in 3 weeks…okay? Great. See you then roomie!” But, I feel no push or pull towards anything. I KNOW that God does not always give us clear answers. I am pretty sure He is not going to say to me “No to this plan and that plan. But YES to the one right here!” I know that He is calling me to greater faith, to make a move that will require risk and courage. I know that I am may need to start down a path without knowing where it will lead (that’s life though isn’t it?). But, what if the path I am willing to risk for hasn’t come up yet? Is that because I need to wait longer or have I missed God’s voice somewhere? Have I let my desires cloud what God is saying? I have never so desperately in my life wanted to go where God wants me to go. Yet, I have no clue where that is! I am trying to find the balance of listening for God’s direction and just going, doing, taking a step of faith. It seems every time I get excited for something it doesn’t work out the way I wanted….maybe thats part of the problem….I keep seeing things how I want them to be. How do I change my sight? Do I get a stronger glasses prescription? Do I get contacts? How do I see what God wants me to see?
Flashback to 2.5 months ago. I am riding in a van in Kenya, going back to Kijabe after a day of painting with my team. I look out the window and I am in complete awe of what I see. The most amazing sunset of my life. I literally freaked out. As I stared at the sunset I felt God say to me “this is the life I have for you. This sunset is perfect. It’s unique. It’s the most beautiful you have seen here in Kenya. That is the plan I have for you- perfect, unique, more then you could have imagined. Now, if you want to settle for less you can. I have other sunsets that are pretty, heck, beautiful and you have even felt compelled to take pictures of these other sunsets. If want you can have a pretty sunset life. But just so you know, I want you to have that perfect sunset.” !!!!!! What do you say to God when He tells you He wants you to have the perfect sunset? You say, heck yes God! That’s what I want too!
(This picture is unedited and really does not do the sunset justice. This is like 1% of how beautiful it was)
But here I am. 2.5 months later and still no sunset. Well, not one that I thought was IT. Here I am, still spending my days by myself in my mom’s condo. No car, no job, no money, no clue. Am I just not seeing it? Or am I willing to wait longer for it? Do I need to experience a few pretty sunsets before the perfect one comes along? I don’t know. All I know is here I am Lord.
So, do I spend the $100 or do I wait for the sunset? Or is there a way to do both? I don’t know. I am just trying to walk in obedience and FAITH.
