God is hilarious. I have been excited for Asia since the day I applied for the World Race. But, when I found out that we weren’t able to go to Indonesia, and would instead be going to Malaysia, I decided that I would hate Malaysia. I had no interest in going. Welp, turns out that Malaysia is one of my top three favorite places we’ve been. Not only did I love our time there, but God definitely stretched me possibly more this month then any other month on the race. To put into words all God has taught me lately is impossible. I don’t think I even know all He is teaching me. It has seriously taken me all month to get the motivation to even open up a document on my computer to begin the process of writing a blog.
For the past month I haven’t been sleeping all that well. Every night I toss and turn and wake up multiple times. This is mainly because I can’t shut my mind off from thinking about the future. Each night my mind runs through what life after the race will look like. Or even what tomorrow will look like. I’ve had some of the most random dreams of my entire life that I never can fully remember the next morning. Two nights I actual woke up and didn’t know where I was. That is something that rarely, if ever, happens to me.
I know that God is telling me to relax and let go. He keeps telling me over and over again, “Trust me. Trust that I will get you where I need you to go.” But more some reason I find it easier to let my mind go crazy and worry about things I literally have no control over. Why do I persist on doing this to myself? And why do I insist on trying to figure things out in my own understanding? I am pretty sure that every scenario I have imagined for the next year of my is in one way another not the scenario that God has for me. And I’m sure in one year I will look back on this time and see how God’s hand moved so perfectly with every decision that was made. But right now, in this moment, I just can’t seem to let go of my future. I can let go of what I once thought it would be like: I know that the typical American dream is not where my path is headed. But I can’t let go of knowing where it is headed. I so badly want to do what God wants me to do, I think I am afraid of missing the memo and bolting towards something that is not God’s will. Why can’t I just sit back and let Him do His thing? Why can’t I trust that He will guide me and will let me on it when its time?
During our time in South Africa for debrief I was told that I was being called into a period of waiting next. My initials reaction was one of frustration and disappointment. I don’t want to go home and sit around, waiting for God to tell me what to do! I want Him to tell me what to do now. I want Him to tell me what to do like yesterday.
He just keeps telling me to TRUST Him. Let go. Release. Freedom from worry. So that’s what I am attempting to do right now. Just trust Him with my future, all aspects of it. And not just 2 months from now, but even tomorrow and 10 years from now. It’s hard. But with each day I find it easier and easier to release it to God.
