During a church service one Sunday at El Shaddai in Swaziland I was so overcome with emotion that I started crying so hard during worship. I couldn’t pin point the exact emotion, I just could feel God moving and doing something in my heart. I felt it before I even knew what I was feeling. I had no idea what the girls were singing during worship but it was one of those times where language had no barrier and I needed to kneel at the feet of Jesus and cry in His presence. Even during the sermon I couldn’t stop crying. I was trying to put all my focus on other things to distract myself from what I was feeling. As I’m trying to distract myself, I look over to the right side of the chapel (where the males sit) and I saw a squad mate petting one of the dogs and it suddenly hit me. I am actually going to be gone for 11 months. Away from everything and everyone comfortable. All my friends, all the things that I was use to, my favorite foods, my favorite people, everything. It was all gone. For 11 months. After the service I couldn’t make it to my bunk fast enough. I needed some serious cry it all out to Jesus time. During that time of crying, praying, sleeping, and listening God spoke a profound revelation to me.
In the midst of having a minor melt down about being away from everything and everyone that’s comfortable, God showed me that I relied on friends to be my comfort. Back home I would tend to rely more on my friends than I would on God. It’s awesome to have close friends who you can rely on, but when you rely on them more that God it’s unhealthy. I had to come to terms that I was away from my church family and everyone who’s loved me through all my ugly times. They were a safe place to be vulnerable, open, weird, mad, sad, crazy, happy, a mess of tears and everything in between.
I needed to find my comfort and safety in Him, not in others. I had this image, I’m a very visual person, of what was most comfortable to me. If I were at home, I would have wrapped myself up in my big down comforter and be so comfortable there in all it’s big fluffy, warmness. And the profound revelation – God said, “I want to be your big comfy down comforter. I want to be the one who wraps you up in the big, fluffy warmness of my presence.” God want’s to be the first one I run to in every situation. He is my first love so He should be the one to love and comfort me. The first one I go to when I have a problem that needs to be fixed. Even the first one I tell when something exciting happens. He doesn’t want to just hear the bad things but the good things too because that’s what you do in a relationship, talk about the good, the bad and the ugly. When I go to Him, He wraps me up in that big down comforter which is His love, and just holds me there. He’s the only one who can love me the way I need to be loved. The only one who’s opinion matters. The one who speaks so much truth and loves me unconditionally. His love is a dying love. It’s also a love that’s been resurrected and living. No matter how much I miss home I need to remember that God is my ultimate comforter and wherever He sends me is home. Because home is living in the center of Gods heart and presence and He’s with me everywhere He sends me.
