Find the common thread in these memories:
Getting a C for the first time on my report card.
Sobbing in the stairwell after my senior year basketball state championship because I didn’t get to play and contribute to our win.
Getting waitlisted from one of the colleges I applied to.
Hearing that a high school teacher told my mom I shouldn’t take AP Physics because I wasn’t smart enough.
“Not good enough.”
Late last week, I sat at my kitchen table sobbing as I wrote out memories like these. Each one stung as the words hit the paper.
It seems ridiculous to be crying over high school memories of getting a C on a report card, or not getting to play in a basketball game; I realize that. But it’s not necessarily the events themselves that brought on the tears. It was the lie I told myself as a result of each event.
“Not good enough.”
The lie instilled in me over and over again as I failed to perform perfectly, and as I failed to meet the standard I held myself to and the standard those around me were held to.
“Not good enough.”
The lie that pushed me to try harder, do more, be embarrassed by, and eventually try to hide from any and all of my flaws.
Not smart enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not athletic enough.
Not funny enough.
Not friendly enough.
Just. not. enough.
At the time, I was clueless of the negative view I held of myself and my worth. I had stuffed it so far down I didn’t know it existed.
Once I got to college, this insecurity birthed new ways of coping and feeling confident. The ways I coped were destructive, and only led me feeling more empty and worthless than I was to start with. It was a nasty cycle, especially since I told myself I was confident in who I was.
Shortly before and during the Race, I dealt with my past. The shame and guilt for what I did and how I viewed myself weighed me down more than I realized. I felt a weight on my spirit that only instilled this lie even more. I repented and asked for forgiveness countless times, but it took me months to truly realize and accept that God’s forgiveness towards me was enough. It took even longer for me to forgive myself.
Now I’m finding myself right back where I was, except this time, I’m not dealing with past mistakes. I’m dealing with straight up insecurities.
Why am I telling you all of this?
Because there’s a freedom that comes when you voice your insecurities and lies you’ve believed about yourself. Yes, it feels super vulnerable and makes me want to crawl into a hole. That’s just the reality of the situation. But once you voice it, the lie begins to lose it’s power over you. It starts to seem much smaller. Once it’s smaller, it becomes much easier to believe the truth.
I’m done with lies. I’m done with insecurities. I choose to believe the truth.
I am loved.
I am valued.
I am priceless.
I have been made new.
My Creator has declared me to be enough.
