It’s Month 10. Before the World Race had even begun, I thought a lot about Month 10, what I would look like, and what I would feel like. This is nothing close to what I imagined.
This month, my team and I are working with a church outside of Phnom Penh, the capital of Cambodia. We’re living with a local pastor’s family. In total, there are 15 people living under one roof that contains 3 rooms and one bathroom. Our “room” is the side wall of the main living room. We’re getting great use out of our sleeping pads. Our first 2 weeks here, the weather was in the high 90’s, and the heat index was around 110. The coolest it got was in mid 80’s, which usually occurred around 3 am. They don’t have AC here. Anywhere.
I don’t tell you that to complain in any way. If this had been the case earlier in the Race, I probably would be complaining. But not now. Cambodia has by far been one of my favorite months. The people we live with, the preschoolers we get to play with in the mornings, and the kids we teach English to at night are all amazing. I have fallen in love with Cambodian curry. I love riding home from English class on the back of a moped. I love that I’ve gotten to use my mom’s pizza to show our host family “American food”.
In other words, I am completely okay being a little uncomfortable according to American standards in order to experience all that Cambodia has to offer. I’m content with being a little discontent because of what I’m experiencing.
In the same way, I’ve been feeling that in my spiritual walk.
Let me say this loud and clear: I am NOT the same person I was 10 months ago. The Lord has radically changed my heart and my life. I’ve grown more in my relationship with God in the last 10 months than I had my entire life. I’ve seen and experienced the power of Jesus in ways that I never thought I would. I have felt the love that God has for me stronger than I ever imagined. I went from struggling to have quiet times once a week to needing to have that time each day with God because he fills me up, spiritually and emotionally. I went from having little to no trust in Him, to feeling content when things are uncomfortable or hard, because I know He’s refining me and because I know that He has my best interests at heart. I used to struggle to fit Him into my relationships, but now He is automatically at the center of them; I wouldn’t want Him anywhere else. I have changed in countless ways.
Yet I still have further to go. I’m not happy with where I’m at.
I still struggle with many of the same sins. New struggles I didn’t even realize I had have surfaced. There hasn’t been a day where I woke up and was instantly cured of some sin struggle or damaging thought process. I’m still prideful. Still quick to judge. I’m still too concerned with what others think of me. I still get caught up in outward appearances. I’m discontent with where I’m at. Because while the Lord has made so many good changes in my heart and therefore, in my life, I’m still human.
Before the Race, I had this preconceived notion that I would leave the Race being this Super Christian. That Super Christian Hannah would beat every single one of her sin struggles and would come back with half of the Bible memorized and would have experienced so many life changing moments that she had the faith to walk on water. I expected to pick up some of the “sexy” spiritual gifts: healing, prophecy, or maybe even speaking in tongues. I don’t think wanting any of those things is necessarily bad, but I wanted those things for the wrong reason. I wanted them for the attention, so people would say, “Wow, look at Super Christian Hannah. She’s great.”
None of those things have happened to me, but God has still been changing me, and thankfully, has been teaching me some humility along the way.
Back in Africa, I was FaceTiming my parents and I started talking about how I felt like I should be more sanctified at this point in the process. My dad laughed and jokingly said to me, “Well, if you ever get there, let me know what it’s like.” That’s coming from someone whom I considered to be one of my spiritual role models my entire life. We are, and will always be, works in progress. I will never be complete until Jesus comes back or until my time on Earth comes to an end. And because of that, I am discontent.
In the best possible way, I am discontent. I am not ok with throwing in the towel. I am not ok with settling into a state of spiritual contentment because it’s the easiest thing to do. If I ever reach a place where I’m content with my spiritual maturity or knowledge of God or love of Jesus or desire of Him, someone please slap me. Hard. And then have a come to Jesus talk with me. I’m not supposed to be content. I’m supposed to be striving, pushing, wanting more. The more I get of Jesus, the more I should want to get more of Him. That’s the point.
Expect to see me a little discontent when I get home. At first it may be because this stage of life that we call the World Race is over. I’ll get over that. But don’t expect me to get over spiritual discontentment any time soon.
“Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own…But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:12-14
