Dear john,
Of course your name is John. It almost always is. Maybe you changed your name because for the next few days, you want to be someone different. Maybe you changed it because you want to escape from real life. Or maybe it’s because deep down, you’re ashamed of yourself and what you’re doing in Thailand. You think no one will know who you are. But I know exactly who you are.
You’re lost. You’re unhappy. You’re searching for something…something that will bring you satisfaction, something that will take away the sting, something that will fill the hole you feel inside of you, something that will help you forget or maybe even remember. You may just be searching for a good time. So you walk up and down this street being beckoned by every bar girl to come in and have a drink. And once you’ve had a couple, you ask her, “How much?” She usually tells you between 100 or 200 baht, less than the cost of those 4 jack and cokes you just drank. You make yourself feel better about buying her by telling yourself that it’s just her job, and that if she wanted to get out, she could. You tell yourself that you’re not doing anything too bad because no one is holding her there against her own will. You probably even devalue her in your head. “Slut…whore…” running through your mind. You tell yourself that you’re better than all the others because she’s actually into you. She’s sitting on your lap, she’s laughing at your jokes, she’s looking at you like you’re the only man in the world.
But can’t you see that it’s all a show? She’s an actor. If you peeled back the layers, you would know that she’s working at that bar because she’s been told that the only thing she’s good for is pleasing men. She doesn’t know anything else because her parents sold her at a young age so they could make some extra money. She doesn’t know how to get out because she doesn’t have an education. She’s asked over and over again “how much?” and doesn’t realize that she’s invaluable. See that drink she’s holding? She’s drinking it because the only way she can bring herself to perform for you is if she gets drunk. It helps ease the sting of what she’s about to do.
John, it’s easy for me to hate you, to make you out to be the bad guy. I’ve had to stop my eyes from sending daggers your way. I’ve had to stop myself from saying nasty things to you. I’ve had to force myself to swipe the “I’m judging you” look off my face. I’ve had to force myself to smile at you, to say “hi” to you, to have a short conversation with you. It’s easy to hate you. But me hating you does nothing. All it does is create a very bitter heart inside of me. Me hating you is no worse that you using her. In the end, it’s all the same to God.
So I will choose to love you. I will choose to pray for you when I’m praying for her while I walk up and down these streets. Because you need it, too. Because you need to hear that you’re better than what you’ve done and what you’re doing. Because you need someone to look you in the eye and ask you how you’re doing as much as she does. Because you need to hear that there is someone who loves you unconditionally. You need to hear about forgiveness and redemption. You need to know that thing you’re searching for, that lost feeling that you have, and that search for satisfaction can’t be found in her. But I know someone who can satisfy, and I’d love to tell you all about Him.
Just let me know when you’re ready to talk.
Love,
The girl at the next table
