I was supposed to take the GRE today.
My post-WR plans includes the possibility of going to graduate school, so taking the exam before launch made sense.
As I left my room this morning, an hour ahead of schedule, I distinctly remember thinking, by the time I come back, this will all be over. I ate breakfast at my favourite place next to the station and got on the train ten minutes early. I studied my notes as we squeaked and rattled through the city on wet tracks. I arrived downtown a half hour before check-in. I took a detour through the mall and signed in at the building lobby. I presented my driver’s license, locked up my belongings, and signed the confidentiality agreement. So far so good.
“Excuse me, miss, I need to see your passport.”
My heart sank.
It was no accident that my passport wasn’t on my person. I had read and reread (and apparently, misread) the instructions, and made a deliberate decision not to bring my passport in fear that something would happen to it on my commute or at the test center. I’m not sure which mistake feels worse.
“Do you have time to go home and get it?”
Fifty minutes to make it to a northern suburb and back? No, not really, but I had to try. I returned my locker key, and walked back into the rain. Close to tears, I managed to flag down a taxi with a sympathetic and chatty driver.
“We’re going to try. It’s going to be okay.”
I’m pretty sure we hit every red light north of Argyle.
“Yeah, we’re not going to make it.”
It was 12:50 when he pulled over on campus, and I decided that ten minutes to make a drive that took thirty-five was too much to hope for. I paid the fare, and came back home. I guess it isn’t over yet.
I know this is a long anecdote for a fairly simple story, but it is so strange to me how quickly a day can change.
All this week, I have been praying, and asking my friends to pray, for this test. Obviously, I wanted to do well, but more importantly, I only wanted to take it once. Neither my schedule nor my bank account could afford to have to go through this process multiple times.
But sometimes, I have difficulty praying for things like that. It feels selfish and presumptuous, and a little like treating God as a vending machine.
I believe that God is good and wants good things for His children, that He cares about both big and small things in our lives, and that He hears our prayers and answers them in accordance to His will.
And it’s the last part that trips me up. Who am I to know God’s will? How can I assume that He wants me to test well? What if grad school isn’t a part of the plan?
(Sidenote: This is not a Biblical view of prayer, just some of the recurring doubts I have about my personal prayers.)
So all this week, my prayer has not been about getting an easy version of the test, or receiving a high score. No, my prayer this week was simply that God’s will be done today. Saturday, April 25. Lord, may Your will be done in my life.
In light of that prayer, I know that God has answered.
The fact that I am currently writing a blog post, and not an exam, is extremely frustrating. It doesn’t seem fair or make sense. And why this happened today is not something I can pretend to understand, or be okay with, at least not yet.
But faith tells me that God is sovereign, and that He has everything under control. Faith tells me that He will provide.
In the present, and in the future, for The World Race and life afterward.
Faith tells me that it’s going to be okay.
