What happened to me?
Those four words. They haunt me most days. They linger in my mind carrying a weight that is paralyzing. Bringing me to tears and leaving me on the floor bound by questions, doubt, and fear.
I don’t often allow myself to reflect on the Race. It stirs so many emotions and feelings that I just don’t want to sift through. It reminds me that I am not who I once was. And though it may seem like what I’m saying makes no sense, the only sense I can make of it is that I am so different than the girl I was before I left.
Sundays are usually my hardest days. Church. A place where I once was a woman who loved reaching out to others and socializing now enters those doors doing her best to be invisible. Trying to avoid any opportunity to be asked how I’m doing. A question that seems so simple floods my mind with so many intricacies that makes the answer almost impossible.
Church. Once a place that I thrived; now a place that I merely try to survive.
Today I find myself looking through my journals from the Race. Reading notes of encouragement and feel like I don’t even know the woman that these people are talking about. A woman who is inspiring, bold in her faith, and abounding in love. She seems so distant and foreign to me. Yet I know these notes are about me. How strange to think that I could have lost so much of who I am in such a short amount of time.
Transition is hard. Change is hard. Comparison really is the thief of joy.
I am still learning how not to compare who I was to who I am in this season. Most days it feels like I’m never going to be ok. And some days I find myself trying so desperately to cling to hope that I cannot see, taste, or feel. Something so intangible yet so real.
So for now, I take life one day at a time.
This blog, my story, I’m not writing it so you don’t ask how I am or feel sorry for me, I’m writing it because, if by some chance, God can use this story of my utter weakness to bring glory to His name, then I should be so glad to shout it from the rooftops.
So here I am. Weak. Broken. And desperate for the love of my God to penetrate the darkness. To answer that tantalizing question of what has happened to me.
I will be having a report night on the 17th of June at 6-7:30PM at Morning Star Community Church and would be honored if you would come and hear about the journey that has brought me to this place. May He use my story to encourage others and glorify His name.
