This moment, this one right here is filled with stillness. As I watch the candles set before me the flames rest motionless. Joining me in the search for peace.
Peace. A word that I have long forgotten. My days have been afflicted with turmoil and unrest. Everything inside me fighting against itself. Trapped in darkness desperate to find the light.
Home. What a foreign concept.
Trying to fit the new me in an old mold.
I know who I was before I left. I was joyful. I was filled with hope. My faith was on fire.
And I know who I am now. Broken. I smile less often. My face rests in a position so unfamiliar to the girl that I was. The corners of my mouth turned slightly downward as I gaze around searching for something to hang on to. A glimmer of hope, a touch of joy.
There’s a longing deep in my soul to find the girl I was before. I long to reach out and hug her and never let her go. To intertwine the two of us, her hope and joy and my lack thereof. All in hopes of reviving the me I want to be.
But instead, I have to let her go.
I have to let go the idea of being someone that I no longer am. I have to embrace the woman I see in the mirror and decide that I am enough. Without the joy, without the hope, and without the faith.
I have to choose to trust that in my weakest moments of faith, that God is being glorified. That He is working all of this out for His glory and my good.
And I have to remember who the enemy is. So often I blame myself for the turmoil inside. I see myself as the reason for my current status. For the hopelessness and lack of trust.
But today, I pulled the curtain back and found Satan directing my thoughts. And remembered that my fight isn’t against myself, but against him.
“The theif comes only to kill and steal and destroy, but I can that they may have life and have it abundantly.” John 10:10
No longer will I sit back and allow him to hit my soul with his fiery darts. I’m suiting up for battle.
Today I felt a flicker of hope in my inner most being.
Peace. Hope. Joy. Faith.
These are all things that I will patiently wait for as I allow the Lord to teach me yet again who He is and who I am in Him.
And when darkness comes knocking on my soul, I will be prepared for battle. Suited up in the armor of God. Knowing full well that I am not the enemy.
