Nepal is beautiful. It’s chilly. My whole squad is together. I love it. I’m healthy, praise God. I feel like myself and can’t wait to see what the Lord has in store for me this month. But the reality is that this blog is about India…so here it goes:
India. It was a hard month. Not because it was hot. Not because we were confined to a small campus and not allowed to leave. But because I was blinded to the voice of the Lord. I keep saying that the Lord took a step back and was silent this month but as I sit here in a coffee shop in Nepal and read my Bible, I see the truth. It wasn’t the Lord. It was me. I stepped back from the Lord and I stopped listening. Here’s why that is confusing: I was seeking the Lord. I was in His word almost every day. I was journaling and processing hard things. I was putting myself in positions to listen to His voice. But I couldn’t hear Him.
Something was missing.
“Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore the Lord exalts Himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him.” Isaiah 30:18
Here’s the thing, I trusted this verse for the people I was praying for. I totally have faith that the Lord was gracious to each of the people that I prayed over. But I FORGOT that this applies to me. The Lord WANTS to be gracious to ME. He DESIRES to gracious to ME. The intimacy that I long for with the Lord is something that He longs for too.I kept getting hung up on the word wait. I kept telling the Lord, I will wait. I will wait for you to speak to me. I will wait to hear your voice.
BUT HE WAS SPEAKING TO ME.
He spoke to me when Baby Jaden was born and I was heart broken to not be home with my family. He gave me a vision of Him telling Baby J all about me and giving him kisses for me.
He spoke to me when I was worried about my dad. He gave me a vision of Himself working with my daddy. Jesus was wearing a Handde Pump hat, wranglers, and a red shirt with a pocket protecting my father. Lending him a hand with the hard work.
He spoke to me when I was in the hospital by providing me with so much peace regardless of the fact that nothing about that stay was sanitary.
He spoke to me through my team. With laughter and encouragement.
BUT I WASN’T LISTENING. I was seeing and hearing but I WASN’T listening. I knew that He was there. I knew that He didn’t leave me. I trusted that. All month I trusted God’s plan and purpose. But I thought He had stepped away from me and I was so desperate to fix that. But what I forgot to fix was my heart.
My prayer life became my thought life. My prayers became about me speaking and not listening. There was a time that I fought to make my thoughts prayers and I let that slip. I wasn’t in conversation all day with my King.
Do you know what I said to the Lord? I said, “Lord I feel like you let me down.” I said that….I said that to the King of Kings. To the Lord of Lords. To the Alpha and Omega. Who am I to such a thing to such a good, gracious Father? Ouch. Reality check, Hannah. I LET HIM DOWN. Everyday. It is so humbling to be so wrong. I love that the Lord opened my eyes to the truth. I needed to woken up.
I will fight. I will fight for my Lord. I will fight to be in conversation with Him always. And while my fight is like a little baby punch, God is wrestling with all His might to keep me. He wants me more than I could ever want Him. And man am I hungry for Him. How much more hungry is the Lord for my heart.
Wow. I love God. I love that I am being stretched to such brokenness. Because the pieces about me that don’t belong are being ripped away. AND I LOVE IT! Don’t get me wrong, this hasn’t been easy, but He is SO worth it!
So here I am in Nepal. Eyes open, heart ready to receive, and ears ready to listen to the gentle voice of my Heavenly Father.
