I apologize for not blogging more. I wish I had more words to say or big things to share more often. Truth be told, many of the things I am learning and growing in are many little things so it is hard to blog about them if it is only a paragraph. Although, I will probably blog about all the little learnings together another day.
Today, however, I want to write about something I have been thinking on and wrestling with the past couple days.
It is my nature to strive for perfection. Because of that there is a lot of pressure that I put on myself (I know it is definitely not God putting it on me), but either way I struggle under that weight.
Sometimes I think it is good that I strive. Time is short and I want to be the most I can and do the most I can. But other times it is not. It is exhausting. It can trip me up from what I know to be true to what I wonder is or is not true. Is this God’s will or is this a “should.”
When I say “should,” I mean it as a Noun. Something that I feel like I should want to do or something I should do because it is a right or because it is good. Maybe that isn’t always bad, but at other times it eats away my peace and makes me second guess myself. It puts extra pressure on me and I struggle under that weight. I dislike it.
And I don’t know which I dislike more: The “should” or the confusion the “should” brings.
Recently some of those in my squad (those I am going with on this crazy adventure) have prayed about it and have decided to ask God to be fully funded by training camp (TC)–which is in mid-October. The thought then was proposed to pray BIG prayers.
Then I started losing peace. I felt anxiety starting to rise in my chest. I started wrestling with the “shoulds.”
“Should I pray to be fully funded by training camp too?”
Before this I was content to ask God to be fully funded by December. All ready God has been crazy in answering my prayers. At the beginning of fundraising in May, I was anxious. I mean, $17,000 is A LOT of money. How is He going to bring it?? I mean yeah, He IS God…but still?
So, I started with telling myself “My God is a Powerful God–If He wants me to go, He will get me there.” I believed in that statement more some days than others. But slowly the money came in. Then I went off to my camp to counsel for two weeks.
I prayed: “God, please do something crazy. Surprise me. I’m gone for two weeks and can’t do anything but re-post some fundraising things on Facebook.” And you know what happened the day before camp started? A friend unexpectedly donated $1,000. And it was then I knew God 1. Had a sense of humor and 2. Was going to take care of it. Over the next 2 weeks He brought in $1,600ish. And I didn’t do a thing.
Then I got home. Somehow, by God’s grace, I got close to $7,000 quite before my $5,000 goal by September 23. So I asked God to bring in $10,000 before the 23rd. And He did.
So the past couple days I have been wrestling with asking God to be fully funded by October and the idea of praying big prayers.
The thought of it put a lot of pressure on me. “If I don’t ask for this, does this make me not a strong Christian? Does this make me look bad? Like I don’t have enough faith?”
And here is the thing: a couple of disclaimers if you will. I am NOT saying that people shouldn’t pray big prayers like being fully funded by October. Everyone is different and everyone is called to something different. Everyone’s relationship with God is unique. I am also not saying that God couldn’t get me fully funded by mid-October. I mean, He IS God. He can do whatever He wants.
I did wrestle with where the pressure was coming from: “Is this God wanting me to do this or another ‘should’ that is putting unnecessary pressure on me?”
And to a small extent, I am still wrestling with that. But I think it is a should. I don’t need to feel that pressure.
And here is the thing: Big prayers are great, they are important, and there is a place for them. But so are the small prayers and the small miracles–because aren’t they equally big?
For instance:
Being prayerfully funded by December IS a big prayer! I would basically receive the amount I need in 7 months. That is incredible!
I could pray to be fully funded by October, but I would MUCH rather pray that my squad be united despite all things that we may see and experience together overseas.
Sometimes we pray for healing for a person, but isn’t the bigger miracle when that person learns to love Jesus and learn to overcome their difficult situations through Him and in Him? And then have grown in so many unexpected ways?
Because depending on the person and the big prayer, that may not be God’s will. Not because He is unloving, but because He is loving! Sometimes there are things that we have to go through because God wants us to learn an important lesson. He always meets our basic needs, but God also has a plan. And not that God doesn’t want us to ask Him big and crazy things, but every person is different and God has different things to teach each of us.
In this case, He is teaching me to learn the difference between hearing His still voice and losing my peace in a “should” when I am still doing His will.
And here are some of my big prayers:
-That my squad will be united as God calls us to be. That we will be Holy and Loving. Doing His will in all things from now until we get back from our trip and beyond.
-That I am fully funded by December 17th.
-That God will prevent my back from getting worse. I do have scoliosis and I don’t mind being the usually stiff, etc., but because I won’t have access to chiropractors and my back has to last me my entire life.
And again, I am not saying don’t pray big prayers. There are places for them. I am simply sharing what I am learning about myself and God. He is good!
